Im back to my own little soundboard again (my blog) for this is where i can choose to talk and talk and talk as much as i want, say things that nobody can contest nor contradict, this blog is my alter-ego, my most loyal friend, my fortress,my own little sanctuary, my own reality.
I had a date with my mom and her two female psycho-psychologist friends over a big spongebob bucket meal at kfc. They had their typical office talks as usual and i was actually scheduled for an evaluation sometime this summer, a psychiatric test, i just want to find out if something's wrong with me, a psychiatric disorder or whatever they call it. If i should take proper medication to sleep instead of suppressing unwanted emotions etc. stuff like that.
I was there "sabog" because i painted the largest painting ive ever attempted to paint in my 18 years of existence (its just a 2x3 metered canvas though^_^) but despite my awkward self, awkward looking face and fashion taste, mom's friends appreciated my features especially my eyes they view me positively and whispered their comments to me whenever they see women with good legs, in mini skirts, slightly revealing their privates in public. we call them backless and flawless but of course they meant that with sarcasm, theyre not insecure i cant blame them though for their comments. Even if i dont seem to look that good, they still preferred my weird conservative,slightly futuristic or should i say sometimes out of this world fashion statement. and thats probably the most comforting thing I've heard today.
They asked me what kind of food do i usually eat at home, i told them raw vegetables (salads), yogurt, meat,red rice,brown rice,wheat bread, pasta, wheat pasta etc. but once were out of groceries we resort to the noodle stucks at the cupboard, canned goods, hot dogs, and the like. I was aware that i was being observed, from the moment i began eating up to the time we stood up and left the table, but i didnt really mind, as long as im being natural, they still asked me questions, about school, my age etc. and also noticed the paint left on the sides of my nails, its my own symbolism of hardwork (laughs) Oh well after all im happy drinking my iced tea on a patrick star tumbler, i love talking to my mom's friends i find them really interesting, they both live a single life but very happy with whatever its is that they have and most importantly happy for who they are. After that small event, i realized that i wanna grow old like them ^_^
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Worst Heartache Ever
Its almost 6:15 in the evening, i was on my way to the church to rehearse with the madrigal singers and also to fix the line up for Sunday. well all of it was cleared i ate fried noodles, rehearsed with kuya Randy for Sunday, informed Ate Julie through facebook and the last thing i have to do is apologize to a little kid for not coming last Monday.
Lets call her Mimi, a cute 5 year old little girl whom i didnt really like at first. I remebered after playing "The Price is Right" last Sunday evening i promised her that I'd play with her the next day and she agreed, she really wanted me to be her playmate, and i feel the same in return. In fact i really wanna connect with her, little kids like her see things that grown ups cant. They feel things that are usually ignored.
To cut the long story short i wasnt able to attend last Monday and so i immediately apologized to her the moment i saw her at church a few hours ago. I was expecting her to be angry and is about to ask her what she wants as a peace offering but she didnt demand anything in fact she just said:
"Its alright we can play this one now!" as she grabbed her ball.
I was surprised to hear that from her, while playing catch with her, at the back of my mind im trying to recall the first time she approached me,
i was working on a chart that time for the Dreamweaver workshop at church, Mimi was there watching me. after a few inutes i greeted everybody goodbye because i need to head back to school for an evening class in Ballromm Dancing. Then Mimi said:
"If you need someone to talk to Im just here ate, you remember Hillcrest right?"
"Of course i do ^__^" I replied.
And now Im trying to make up from the broken promise i made by spending time with her. besides, i missed playing too. I was eating fried noodles when her face somewhat turned in a very sad expression. She said she misses her mom
and then i told her that i used to spend my childhood days that way when i was a kid, my mommy used to be at the office, so early that i dont get to see her in the morning. I told her that she was lucky enough to have playmates around her while her mom's not around, but still my words didnt really comfort her. After eating, we played again shes patient enough to wait for me to finnish my rehearsal the moment i was called, unfortunately she had to wait until after the choir jamming is over which comes after the band rehearsal.
And because of what happened i promised to spend the afternoon with her tomorrow,play ball, count one to ten, draw on her drawing board or just skip with her around the place. i know I've got lots to do which is why I'll try to work double time tonight so i can spend my afternoon with her tomorrow, that sad face really broke my heart, and i know behind that face theres a deep sad feeling. To some degree i can see myself in her. I wanna make her feel that shes not alone, 5 years old, at that age i started thinking that i was alone, and i clenched my fists to that perspective as i grew older. It was just recent when i decided to let it go.
After a while my heartbeat started to slow down when she said
"Of course I love you ate alyssa"
Then i started to remember alot of experiences with the kids who also said a line thats quite close to what Mimi just said to me.
It was Summer last year, i voluntered as a worker for a children's ministry, I was completely honest with everything to everybody. I was really devoted to it, pouring out my heart into everything i do, its not about work really, its actually a form of worship for me. Some Kids see me, some dont, its because im only one of the people behind the stage most of the time. I dont belong to the people on stage, probably beacsue im new, and not pure enough as they say. I was always creative with every thing, from my works to my clothes and thats how the kids notice me and suddenly followed my fashion statement. Hugging me in elevators and asking me when will they ever get to see me in sunday school. Or at least assist in their class.
I always make excuses for these queries, for i cant really tell them that i wasnt allowed to be in their sunday school classes because i was told that im not for teaching, or it actually felt like, its because i cant be a good example to them anymore, for they know my story. I didnt regret my honesty, but since i cant be visible all the time, i make sure that i can communicate with them through my artworks. Its the best i can give.
and also i help arrange and fix the chairs just so the kids can see me, greet them good morning before the praise and worship starts or just wave a hi to them. I was reprimanded for some things. And dared not to tell anyone about it.
Summer camp was fast approaching, i spent sleepless nights working none stop just to finnish all the things that is assigned for me to do. I almost got sick but despite the fever i still push myself to go there probably because its the best way to communicate my love for the children's ministry.
The summer camp came. I designed almost 150 enevelopes each design is unique in pen and ink i made all of it in one night thats the first gift i gave them, the moment they received it they even thought that it was computerized, i just smile at them whenever they say that, next is arranging a tagalized skit for them communicating Matthew 6:25 (yes thats the verse according to my journal) which actually challenegd all the teachers and workers to present their skits in a presentable, funny, enjoyable and interactive way. And because of that kids were inspired to be workers,telling their teachers that they want to be active workers too.
What else did i do in that camp? i was able to teach a kid how to float and do the back stroke, because she was afraid to swim without holding on the sides of the pool, at the end of the day, she started enjoying the swimming experience even with her hands off the sides of the swimming pool.
during the confession night,i prayed to each and every kid,praying for their parents as well, some even told me special prayer requests.
on the last day of the art activity we ran out of materials, some kids sacrificed their share of artworks to their fellow campers --- and some staffers hated for that
"lahat na yata ng taray at kasungitan natamo ko dahil nagkulang ang gamit although i wasnt the one responsible for the inventory"
And when the kids got home from the camp you know what they told their parents?
"Hi mom, i gave out my share of materials to this kid so she can have an artwork, i was willing to sacrifice my share for her."
isnt that the reason why theyre being sent to summer camps? to learn these values and im happy to see it bear fruit.
I was exhausted during the last day, but still i carried the kid's bags and i made sure that nothing gets lost.
i had a few minutes to rest, i opened my own small envelope wherein all the letters from the kids were placed and theres this one remarkable note saying:
Ate Allyssa, thanks for the wonderful thing you have with us. Good Bye! --from Hannah
i know the spelling is quite wrong but i didnt mind even if this kid meant what she said or not it still gave an impact to me as a church worker. In fact she doesnt really know what i did in the camp, she doesnt even have a vivid picture of how hard i worked for that camp, but she felt, that i have this thing for all of them which she considered wonderful, i wept in tears after reading it. it was actually a success, this kid felt the thing that i want for them to get.
This is what a kid sees. things that are not really visible to the eye. things that are beyond a grown up's mind. Thats why leaving that ministry really caused me a heart ache. But i had to. Its better that i left rather than facing these kids with a bitter self as a result of the issues people has been putting on me every single Sunday.
In fact i was advised to leave. The last thing i made was a giant card for a kid's mom who has a severe case of cancer. I never got to see her but then i hope shes happy with that jumbo card. i embossed a butterfly on it and filled that part with colors.
I still pray for those kids until now. But if God permits for me to visit them in time i will immediately run there on a Sunday, even if they wont remember me anymore, id still remember them.
Lets call her Mimi, a cute 5 year old little girl whom i didnt really like at first. I remebered after playing "The Price is Right" last Sunday evening i promised her that I'd play with her the next day and she agreed, she really wanted me to be her playmate, and i feel the same in return. In fact i really wanna connect with her, little kids like her see things that grown ups cant. They feel things that are usually ignored.
To cut the long story short i wasnt able to attend last Monday and so i immediately apologized to her the moment i saw her at church a few hours ago. I was expecting her to be angry and is about to ask her what she wants as a peace offering but she didnt demand anything in fact she just said:
"Its alright we can play this one now!" as she grabbed her ball.
I was surprised to hear that from her, while playing catch with her, at the back of my mind im trying to recall the first time she approached me,
i was working on a chart that time for the Dreamweaver workshop at church, Mimi was there watching me. after a few inutes i greeted everybody goodbye because i need to head back to school for an evening class in Ballromm Dancing. Then Mimi said:
"If you need someone to talk to Im just here ate, you remember Hillcrest right?"
"Of course i do ^__^" I replied.
And now Im trying to make up from the broken promise i made by spending time with her. besides, i missed playing too. I was eating fried noodles when her face somewhat turned in a very sad expression. She said she misses her mom
and then i told her that i used to spend my childhood days that way when i was a kid, my mommy used to be at the office, so early that i dont get to see her in the morning. I told her that she was lucky enough to have playmates around her while her mom's not around, but still my words didnt really comfort her. After eating, we played again shes patient enough to wait for me to finnish my rehearsal the moment i was called, unfortunately she had to wait until after the choir jamming is over which comes after the band rehearsal.
And because of what happened i promised to spend the afternoon with her tomorrow,play ball, count one to ten, draw on her drawing board or just skip with her around the place. i know I've got lots to do which is why I'll try to work double time tonight so i can spend my afternoon with her tomorrow, that sad face really broke my heart, and i know behind that face theres a deep sad feeling. To some degree i can see myself in her. I wanna make her feel that shes not alone, 5 years old, at that age i started thinking that i was alone, and i clenched my fists to that perspective as i grew older. It was just recent when i decided to let it go.
After a while my heartbeat started to slow down when she said
"Of course I love you ate alyssa"
Then i started to remember alot of experiences with the kids who also said a line thats quite close to what Mimi just said to me.
It was Summer last year, i voluntered as a worker for a children's ministry, I was completely honest with everything to everybody. I was really devoted to it, pouring out my heart into everything i do, its not about work really, its actually a form of worship for me. Some Kids see me, some dont, its because im only one of the people behind the stage most of the time. I dont belong to the people on stage, probably beacsue im new, and not pure enough as they say. I was always creative with every thing, from my works to my clothes and thats how the kids notice me and suddenly followed my fashion statement. Hugging me in elevators and asking me when will they ever get to see me in sunday school. Or at least assist in their class.
I always make excuses for these queries, for i cant really tell them that i wasnt allowed to be in their sunday school classes because i was told that im not for teaching, or it actually felt like, its because i cant be a good example to them anymore, for they know my story. I didnt regret my honesty, but since i cant be visible all the time, i make sure that i can communicate with them through my artworks. Its the best i can give.
and also i help arrange and fix the chairs just so the kids can see me, greet them good morning before the praise and worship starts or just wave a hi to them. I was reprimanded for some things. And dared not to tell anyone about it.
Summer camp was fast approaching, i spent sleepless nights working none stop just to finnish all the things that is assigned for me to do. I almost got sick but despite the fever i still push myself to go there probably because its the best way to communicate my love for the children's ministry.
The summer camp came. I designed almost 150 enevelopes each design is unique in pen and ink i made all of it in one night thats the first gift i gave them, the moment they received it they even thought that it was computerized, i just smile at them whenever they say that, next is arranging a tagalized skit for them communicating Matthew 6:25 (yes thats the verse according to my journal) which actually challenegd all the teachers and workers to present their skits in a presentable, funny, enjoyable and interactive way. And because of that kids were inspired to be workers,telling their teachers that they want to be active workers too.
What else did i do in that camp? i was able to teach a kid how to float and do the back stroke, because she was afraid to swim without holding on the sides of the pool, at the end of the day, she started enjoying the swimming experience even with her hands off the sides of the swimming pool.
during the confession night,i prayed to each and every kid,praying for their parents as well, some even told me special prayer requests.
on the last day of the art activity we ran out of materials, some kids sacrificed their share of artworks to their fellow campers --- and some staffers hated for that
"lahat na yata ng taray at kasungitan natamo ko dahil nagkulang ang gamit although i wasnt the one responsible for the inventory"
And when the kids got home from the camp you know what they told their parents?
"Hi mom, i gave out my share of materials to this kid so she can have an artwork, i was willing to sacrifice my share for her."
isnt that the reason why theyre being sent to summer camps? to learn these values and im happy to see it bear fruit.
I was exhausted during the last day, but still i carried the kid's bags and i made sure that nothing gets lost.
i had a few minutes to rest, i opened my own small envelope wherein all the letters from the kids were placed and theres this one remarkable note saying:
Ate Allyssa, thanks for the wonderful thing you have with us. Good Bye! --from Hannah
i know the spelling is quite wrong but i didnt mind even if this kid meant what she said or not it still gave an impact to me as a church worker. In fact she doesnt really know what i did in the camp, she doesnt even have a vivid picture of how hard i worked for that camp, but she felt, that i have this thing for all of them which she considered wonderful, i wept in tears after reading it. it was actually a success, this kid felt the thing that i want for them to get.
This is what a kid sees. things that are not really visible to the eye. things that are beyond a grown up's mind. Thats why leaving that ministry really caused me a heart ache. But i had to. Its better that i left rather than facing these kids with a bitter self as a result of the issues people has been putting on me every single Sunday.
In fact i was advised to leave. The last thing i made was a giant card for a kid's mom who has a severe case of cancer. I never got to see her but then i hope shes happy with that jumbo card. i embossed a butterfly on it and filled that part with colors.
I still pray for those kids until now. But if God permits for me to visit them in time i will immediately run there on a Sunday, even if they wont remember me anymore, id still remember them.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Habang Buhay Kong Ikagagalak--(Ang Mamatay ng Dahil Sa'yo)
Ang lahat ay ipinanganganak na may angking alab sa kalooban. Isang ningas na maaring magliyab, ningas na maari ring mauwi sa pagiging abo na lamang.
Ang alab ay madali nating napaliliyab, lalo na kapag inungkat ang pagliyab ng alab na ito kalakip ang tamang dahilan, kalakip ang uhaw na pumipiglas sa iyong pagka patay- malisya, kalakip ang gutom na matagal nang nagpapagal na maibsan. At dulot nito, ang isang mabangis na katauhan.
ipanganganak ang isang panibagong sarili, walang pigil na hahanapin ang huwad na katotohanan, pinanggalingan, ang puno't dulo ng lahat ng nasa iyong kapaligiran.
Dulot ng di mapukaw na uhaw madalas ika'y mahihiwalay sa pagtakbo kasapi ang iba pang mga nag-aalab na nilalang.
Di maiwasan ang katigasan ng ulo sapagkat nasa murang edad pa lamang. Nagawa mo nang makipag sabayan noon pa man, ngunit tuluyan nang nahuli. at inisip na imbis na ituloy ang pagtakbo ay inisip na mas komportable ang maglakad na lamang.
Oras na para muling mamulat. Bumangon ka mula sa iyong pagkakahimlay, masyado nang matagal at tila masyado nang mabagal ang iyong paglakad.
Pilipinas! Huwag kang hihinto!
Habulin mo ang iyong napipintong pagsiklab, huwag pahuhuli, makibaka! Gisisngin ang alab ng pagkabayani sa bawat isang isinilang at nakinabang sa iyong kalupaan.
Kahit ang alitaptap kung magtabi-tabi'y nagpapamalas ng liwanag, Kayang kumislap... kayang kumislap, at sa kanilang pagkislap, ikaw ay magsusumiklab, mabubuhay ang dugong Pilipino at mabilis na dadaloy sa iyong mga ugat. Kabataan sigaw!
Maghuhumiyaw ang iyong loob kakabog ang iyong dibdib, magwawala, lalaban, pag iigihan, gagawa ng kaparaanan sa lahat ng bagay. Pagsusumikapan ang pagbasa ng bawat pahina, gagamitin angiyong mga kamay sa pagpinta ng mga larawan, magsusulat ng mga salitang magbubunsod ng matinding kilabot sa bawat isang makakakita, bawat isang makababasa, at mapupukaw ng kanilang mga pag iisip na sila ay nahaharap sa isang matinding digmaan, isang digmaan ng lahi at kaluluwa, digmaan ng materyal at tao, sarili laban sa sarili, digmaan upang iwaksi ang lahat ng hadlang.
At ikaw, ang magiging simula ng lahat ng pagbabago
tatayo kasabay ang alab na kailanma'y hindi magagapi. At ang iyong alab ay siya ring Maykapal na kailanma'y iyong magiging kadikit. walang humpay kang sasamahan, hindi ka iiwanan.
Pangarap kong mabuhay ang alab na ito sa lahat ng tao.
Ngayon ko lamang naintindihan ang tunay na laman ng Panatang Makabayan, sa tagal na sinambit ko ang panatang ito noong ako'y nasa murang edad pa lamang ni hindi man lang naipaliwanag sa akin ang saysay nito. Mismong ang panatang ito ay hindi nakadepende sa sarili lamang, sa aking pagninilaynilay sa panatang ito sa mas malalim pa nitong konsepto, natamo ko ang isang linyang nagsasabing
"Ang matibay na tatak ng tunay na Pilipino ay ang pag-akay sa kanyang pananampalataya sa Maykapal."
na siyang nagbuhat sa kantang "Bangon ni Rico Blanco" na tila may koneksyon sa paghagupit ni Ondoy sa ating bansa at sa muling pag "click" ko ng sumunod na "link" nahanap ko ang isang magndang komposisyon na ito.
YUGTO
Sa gitna ng kagubatan may ahas na hahalik
Tatawagin kang kaibigan na pinaka matalik
Pupulupot sa leeg mo't sisipsip ng iyong dugo
Ipapako ka sa krus kapag ikaw ay natuyo
Sa gitna ng kaguluhan may kumukulong bulkan
Di ma pigil ang yabang at sakdal na kasakiman
Susubukang angkinin ang lahat ng hindi kanya
Kung kaya kang paikutin tiyak paiikutin ka
Ngunit hindi nila kayang baliin ang iyong loob
Ang pag-ibig na hawak mo'y hindi malulubog
Lumiyab ka... lumiyab...
Sa gitna ng kadiliman may puwitreng nagmamasid
May magbabato ng putik ngunit walang mayayanig
Iiyak ang mga batang nahulugan ng candy
Laging mga problema sa iba'y sinisisi
Sa gitna ng kagubatan may ahas na hahalik
Itinuring mong kaibigan na pinaka matalik
Leeg mo'y pupuluputan dugo mo'y sisipsipin
Kapag wala ka nang pakinabang ang ending mo'y sa bangin
Ngunit hindi nila kayang baliin ang iyong loob
Ang pag-ibig na hawak mo'y hindi malulubog
Lumiyab ka...
Tuwing hating gabi maririnig mo ang huni
Ng mga kaluluwang naliligaw
Lahat ng pera sa mundo hindi kayang gawing ginto
Ang huwad na tao...
Ang mga tinig palakas ng palakas
Hanggang gumuho ang mga hadlang
Ang mga tinig palakas ng palakas
Hanggang gumuho ang mga hadlang
Saksi ang langit sa lahat ng naganap
Saksi ang langit sa ikalawang yugto...
Lumiyab ka...
Lumiyab ka...
(Sa ngalan ng katotohanan)
Lumiyab ka...
(Sa ngalan ng iyong dangal, ang puso mo't iyong isipan)
Lumiyab ka...
Lumiyab ka...
(Ialay mo sa maykapal)
Lumiyab ka...
--Yugto by Rico Blanco
at dahil dito naiintindihan ko na kung bakit ganito ang awitin ni Rico Blanco, kungbakit dapat kong ipagmalaki at mahalin ang Pilipinas, kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng Lupang Hinirang at kung bakit buong loob kong ikaliligaya
"Ang mamatay ng dahil Sa'yo"
Ang alab ay madali nating napaliliyab, lalo na kapag inungkat ang pagliyab ng alab na ito kalakip ang tamang dahilan, kalakip ang uhaw na pumipiglas sa iyong pagka patay- malisya, kalakip ang gutom na matagal nang nagpapagal na maibsan. At dulot nito, ang isang mabangis na katauhan.
ipanganganak ang isang panibagong sarili, walang pigil na hahanapin ang huwad na katotohanan, pinanggalingan, ang puno't dulo ng lahat ng nasa iyong kapaligiran.
Dulot ng di mapukaw na uhaw madalas ika'y mahihiwalay sa pagtakbo kasapi ang iba pang mga nag-aalab na nilalang.
Di maiwasan ang katigasan ng ulo sapagkat nasa murang edad pa lamang. Nagawa mo nang makipag sabayan noon pa man, ngunit tuluyan nang nahuli. at inisip na imbis na ituloy ang pagtakbo ay inisip na mas komportable ang maglakad na lamang.
Oras na para muling mamulat. Bumangon ka mula sa iyong pagkakahimlay, masyado nang matagal at tila masyado nang mabagal ang iyong paglakad.
Pilipinas! Huwag kang hihinto!
Habulin mo ang iyong napipintong pagsiklab, huwag pahuhuli, makibaka! Gisisngin ang alab ng pagkabayani sa bawat isang isinilang at nakinabang sa iyong kalupaan.
Kahit ang alitaptap kung magtabi-tabi'y nagpapamalas ng liwanag, Kayang kumislap... kayang kumislap, at sa kanilang pagkislap, ikaw ay magsusumiklab, mabubuhay ang dugong Pilipino at mabilis na dadaloy sa iyong mga ugat. Kabataan sigaw!
Maghuhumiyaw ang iyong loob kakabog ang iyong dibdib, magwawala, lalaban, pag iigihan, gagawa ng kaparaanan sa lahat ng bagay. Pagsusumikapan ang pagbasa ng bawat pahina, gagamitin angiyong mga kamay sa pagpinta ng mga larawan, magsusulat ng mga salitang magbubunsod ng matinding kilabot sa bawat isang makakakita, bawat isang makababasa, at mapupukaw ng kanilang mga pag iisip na sila ay nahaharap sa isang matinding digmaan, isang digmaan ng lahi at kaluluwa, digmaan ng materyal at tao, sarili laban sa sarili, digmaan upang iwaksi ang lahat ng hadlang.
At ikaw, ang magiging simula ng lahat ng pagbabago
tatayo kasabay ang alab na kailanma'y hindi magagapi. At ang iyong alab ay siya ring Maykapal na kailanma'y iyong magiging kadikit. walang humpay kang sasamahan, hindi ka iiwanan.
Pangarap kong mabuhay ang alab na ito sa lahat ng tao.
Ngayon ko lamang naintindihan ang tunay na laman ng Panatang Makabayan, sa tagal na sinambit ko ang panatang ito noong ako'y nasa murang edad pa lamang ni hindi man lang naipaliwanag sa akin ang saysay nito. Mismong ang panatang ito ay hindi nakadepende sa sarili lamang, sa aking pagninilaynilay sa panatang ito sa mas malalim pa nitong konsepto, natamo ko ang isang linyang nagsasabing
"Ang matibay na tatak ng tunay na Pilipino ay ang pag-akay sa kanyang pananampalataya sa Maykapal."
na siyang nagbuhat sa kantang "Bangon ni Rico Blanco" na tila may koneksyon sa paghagupit ni Ondoy sa ating bansa at sa muling pag "click" ko ng sumunod na "link" nahanap ko ang isang magndang komposisyon na ito.
YUGTO
Sa gitna ng kagubatan may ahas na hahalik
Tatawagin kang kaibigan na pinaka matalik
Pupulupot sa leeg mo't sisipsip ng iyong dugo
Ipapako ka sa krus kapag ikaw ay natuyo
Sa gitna ng kaguluhan may kumukulong bulkan
Di ma pigil ang yabang at sakdal na kasakiman
Susubukang angkinin ang lahat ng hindi kanya
Kung kaya kang paikutin tiyak paiikutin ka
Ngunit hindi nila kayang baliin ang iyong loob
Ang pag-ibig na hawak mo'y hindi malulubog
Lumiyab ka... lumiyab...
Sa gitna ng kadiliman may puwitreng nagmamasid
May magbabato ng putik ngunit walang mayayanig
Iiyak ang mga batang nahulugan ng candy
Laging mga problema sa iba'y sinisisi
Sa gitna ng kagubatan may ahas na hahalik
Itinuring mong kaibigan na pinaka matalik
Leeg mo'y pupuluputan dugo mo'y sisipsipin
Kapag wala ka nang pakinabang ang ending mo'y sa bangin
Ngunit hindi nila kayang baliin ang iyong loob
Ang pag-ibig na hawak mo'y hindi malulubog
Lumiyab ka...
Tuwing hating gabi maririnig mo ang huni
Ng mga kaluluwang naliligaw
Lahat ng pera sa mundo hindi kayang gawing ginto
Ang huwad na tao...
Ang mga tinig palakas ng palakas
Hanggang gumuho ang mga hadlang
Ang mga tinig palakas ng palakas
Hanggang gumuho ang mga hadlang
Saksi ang langit sa lahat ng naganap
Saksi ang langit sa ikalawang yugto...
Lumiyab ka...
Lumiyab ka...
(Sa ngalan ng katotohanan)
Lumiyab ka...
(Sa ngalan ng iyong dangal, ang puso mo't iyong isipan)
Lumiyab ka...
Lumiyab ka...
(Ialay mo sa maykapal)
Lumiyab ka...
--Yugto by Rico Blanco
at dahil dito naiintindihan ko na kung bakit ganito ang awitin ni Rico Blanco, kungbakit dapat kong ipagmalaki at mahalin ang Pilipinas, kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng Lupang Hinirang at kung bakit buong loob kong ikaliligaya
"Ang mamatay ng dahil Sa'yo"
Kung puwede lang manabunot!
I went home seeing all my paintings hanged on the wall, and for an artist, its really pays to see your paintings carefully placed and arranged on the wall i was inspired by the improvement, comparing it to my previews works, im really happy to see the differences, of course there will always be a flaw in each and every work, but every work makes me really happy, i worked hard for each and every artwork treating each of them as my own offspring (laughs) I feel like a mom giving birth after finishing one artwork (i know that didnt sound pretty well).
But my day didnt end there
after uploading a few photos in my facebook account i saw this one person whom i really hate to see in my account, i cant delete her ---for organization purposes. hmm for privacy purposes lets just name her BETTY BOOP.
Going back, i saw betty boop online in my account i remember seeing her at the faculty's door last saturday and unfortunately im headed taht way to submit a plate to my professor. I informed her that i was waiting for the the professor's reply to my interview questions which was supposed to be forwarded to me at the middle of February. Then she said
"Talgang wala pa yun kasi sabi ni sir siya na daw ang gagawa ng article."
afterwards imagine that "irap plus taas ng kilay tipo ng da-moves"
Arghh! nakakainis talaga she even knew that I was the one handling that interview and she didnt even inform me! I was starting to lose my temepr at that very moment but of course i didnt do anything.
"kaya tuloy nakikita ko pa lang siya nagdidilim na piningin ko " (rawr!)
well thats what happened last saturday
and minutes ago i had a short chat with her and asking her if there are any other articles the E.I.C. could assign to me. Then she said
"Ako kaya ang naghahandle ng lahat ng articles!"
i plainly said ok
but deep inside "kumukulo na talaga ang dugo ko"(rawr!)
Then she gave me a task i even suggested something but she disapproved it.
mangiyak-ngiyak na ako sa inis --well actually thats my initial reaction whenever i feel bad about something i cry whenever i get the chance to be on my own just so i can release the tension and dare not hurt anybody, if not that i just stay calm and keep quiet.
hyy she doesnt even know a thing my goodness she cant speak straight and fluent english, very conscious with her grammar, --i apologize for posting these things in my blog but im really angry and id go crazy if i dont release this, nothing is worth supressing, i cant be too depressed. Depresseion has never been helpful ever and so this blog somewhat served as my soundboard whenever things like these happen.
waaah im seriosuly crying right now because im really mad about how she treats me and she kept acting bossy.
but what can i do?
i just follow...
nakakstress, im really thinking of leaving the org but i know the org needs help, maybe i should give it more time before finally giving it up. It doesnt matter of my articles wont be read rather than seeing myself weep every night because of stress and because of people like betty boop.
"kahit pa puwedeng manabunot, hindi ko kaya papatayin lang ako ng konsensya ko after which is much worse"
argh! despite this heavy feeling ill do my best to submit an excellent work, its the only thing i can do, and keep being a sport. I really hate this feeling "ang bigat sa loob" literally...
I should keep myself calm all the time that is if i dont wanna depend on pain relievers again due to my intolerable chest pains.
Maybe i should eat something sweet or just watch an old rugrats episode as a remedy ^__^ besides, i missed chuckie!
But my day didnt end there
after uploading a few photos in my facebook account i saw this one person whom i really hate to see in my account, i cant delete her ---for organization purposes. hmm for privacy purposes lets just name her BETTY BOOP.
Going back, i saw betty boop online in my account i remember seeing her at the faculty's door last saturday and unfortunately im headed taht way to submit a plate to my professor. I informed her that i was waiting for the the professor's reply to my interview questions which was supposed to be forwarded to me at the middle of February. Then she said
"Talgang wala pa yun kasi sabi ni sir siya na daw ang gagawa ng article."
afterwards imagine that "irap plus taas ng kilay tipo ng da-moves"
Arghh! nakakainis talaga she even knew that I was the one handling that interview and she didnt even inform me! I was starting to lose my temepr at that very moment but of course i didnt do anything.
"kaya tuloy nakikita ko pa lang siya nagdidilim na piningin ko " (rawr!)
well thats what happened last saturday
and minutes ago i had a short chat with her and asking her if there are any other articles the E.I.C. could assign to me. Then she said
"Ako kaya ang naghahandle ng lahat ng articles!"
i plainly said ok
but deep inside "kumukulo na talaga ang dugo ko"(rawr!)
Then she gave me a task i even suggested something but she disapproved it.
mangiyak-ngiyak na ako sa inis --well actually thats my initial reaction whenever i feel bad about something i cry whenever i get the chance to be on my own just so i can release the tension and dare not hurt anybody, if not that i just stay calm and keep quiet.
hyy she doesnt even know a thing my goodness she cant speak straight and fluent english, very conscious with her grammar, --i apologize for posting these things in my blog but im really angry and id go crazy if i dont release this, nothing is worth supressing, i cant be too depressed. Depresseion has never been helpful ever and so this blog somewhat served as my soundboard whenever things like these happen.
waaah im seriosuly crying right now because im really mad about how she treats me and she kept acting bossy.
but what can i do?
i just follow...
nakakstress, im really thinking of leaving the org but i know the org needs help, maybe i should give it more time before finally giving it up. It doesnt matter of my articles wont be read rather than seeing myself weep every night because of stress and because of people like betty boop.
"kahit pa puwedeng manabunot, hindi ko kaya papatayin lang ako ng konsensya ko after which is much worse"
argh! despite this heavy feeling ill do my best to submit an excellent work, its the only thing i can do, and keep being a sport. I really hate this feeling "ang bigat sa loob" literally...
I should keep myself calm all the time that is if i dont wanna depend on pain relievers again due to my intolerable chest pains.
Maybe i should eat something sweet or just watch an old rugrats episode as a remedy ^__^ besides, i missed chuckie!
Monday, March 1, 2010
A Wonderful Overkill
I went to school this morning with my headset stuck on my ears so that it would keep me up during the 45 minutes of travel going to school. I was tuned in to Jam 88.3 its actually my favorite radio station then suddenly i heard the song "beautiful" by Patrick Nuo. Since i didnt get to memorize the whole song i just had the chorus posted here since its the only thing i can remember.
She's so beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
magical, mystical, irresistible, cosmical
a wonderfull overkill but most of all beautiful
The truth is if only i had the whole song posted here it wouldve been better but umm well, i guess the chorus is good enough.
Going back I rode jeepney headed Quiapo very sleepy, tired,insecure in a way because i didnt really fix myself today then suddenly hearing this beautiful song by patrick nuo just took off the whole insecurity thing inside me
in short "binobola ko ang sarili ko" the whole time the track was playing (laughs) I find the song really fantastic. Especially the line "a wonderful overkill" which actually impresses me everytime it plays back in my head. I mean for someone whos really tired and doesnt really fix herself then suddenly hears a song like this actually bossts a woman's moral? Why? Its because it made me more comfy about myself nyahah! My aunt actually sends me money for make up every month she told me to buy make up for myself but i dont,because i always end up spending it on my school materials and food (minsan pa nga naisasama ko sa sukli na dapat kong ibalaik sa mom ko whenevr sobra yung pera na binibigay niya for the day at narerealize ko lang na nasama dun yungipon ko after handing over the money to her nyaha at pagkatapos hindi ko na binabawe because i dont really mind....that much ^__^
I wish i could share all the daily comedies i had during this past few days but its actually a collection of my embarassing moments... maybe next on the next posts id share it but not now nyaha!
Time for dinner! I gotta eat!
She's so beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
magical, mystical, irresistible, cosmical
a wonderfull overkill but most of all beautiful
The truth is if only i had the whole song posted here it wouldve been better but umm well, i guess the chorus is good enough.
Going back I rode jeepney headed Quiapo very sleepy, tired,insecure in a way because i didnt really fix myself today then suddenly hearing this beautiful song by patrick nuo just took off the whole insecurity thing inside me
in short "binobola ko ang sarili ko" the whole time the track was playing (laughs) I find the song really fantastic. Especially the line "a wonderful overkill" which actually impresses me everytime it plays back in my head. I mean for someone whos really tired and doesnt really fix herself then suddenly hears a song like this actually bossts a woman's moral? Why? Its because it made me more comfy about myself nyahah! My aunt actually sends me money for make up every month she told me to buy make up for myself but i dont,because i always end up spending it on my school materials and food (minsan pa nga naisasama ko sa sukli na dapat kong ibalaik sa mom ko whenevr sobra yung pera na binibigay niya for the day at narerealize ko lang na nasama dun yungipon ko after handing over the money to her nyaha at pagkatapos hindi ko na binabawe because i dont really mind....that much ^__^
I wish i could share all the daily comedies i had during this past few days but its actually a collection of my embarassing moments... maybe next on the next posts id share it but not now nyaha!
Time for dinner! I gotta eat!
The Lovely Grandma
I was browsing through my previous posts and i noticed that all of it appeared exhausting or should i say "exhausted". Stressing, melancholic, and sometimes angry. Nothing's new really im still the same old workaholic chick! (laughs) Ill try to make this post as relaxing as possible.
I started playing my violin the moment i got home, i was really enthusiastic because i bought a tuning fork for Leene (my violin) last sunday then afterwards i cooked and had lunch then i bought materials from the hardware downstairs and voila! I painted on my very large canvas. After a few minutes a lovely grand mother went out from her own little sweet. Her sweet is just across ours. I smiled at her and tried to give out the best smile i can give. Hopefully its the same smile i used to give my Lola (mom's side)before she passed away.
The lovely grandma approached me and asked
"Hija nagpipintura ka?"
I humbly said "opo"
Then she smiled.
After she went inside her sweet i felt something freaky but nice. I really cant describe it but I felt that its one of the sweetest moments i had with a person or maybe i just have this special view on Grandmothers and Grandfathers. Theyre probably the sweetest people on earth with inspiring stories to share.
suddenly she reminded me of my other lola (dad's mom) whos really old but still very lovely (was it because she's half spanish?) She moves with grace, has a very gentle voice, and yeah she hates it when i frown. She touches my eyebrows and says
"Unatin ko nga yang kilay na yan para hindi nakakunot"
Then she smiles at me.
And that smile she kept on projecting as the day goes by shows me strength and love despite her weak and old body.
Her scrabble techniques actually saved me from losing the sacrabble intrams during highschool its an interlevel thing and i didnt really expect to place second i was able to beat a large number of brainiacs at school (booya!)
I remember spending the holy week with lola. Yup me and her alone in their house we talk about alot of things over a cup of coffee and a healthy breakfast
we feed the puppies together and clean the house together, we even plant and arrange the garden together. If there one thing i got from her well im not as smart as she is so i guess its not the brain, nor the beauty because shes really lovely. hmm i guess that thing would be "being makulit sa lahat ng bagay"
Sigh. I miss lola and lolo.
I love it whenever they share their experiences... Lolo is a world war survivor and is one of the soldiers at martial law despite that very depressing situation i cant imagine all the comedy hes been sharing i realized
"ang galing naman ni lolo tumatawa pa although kahit halos masabugan na ng bomba"
ahah and yes their kilig moments together, how they met, its funny seeing lola with rosy cheeks whenever i ask her about how she and lolo met.
Lolo died after i graduated grade school and Lola is turning 90 this may. And the funny thing is the whole "Cousins association" wanted to make a skit for lola and to my surprise I will be acting as the young Lola Emilia on her birthday yiheee ^__^
I started playing my violin the moment i got home, i was really enthusiastic because i bought a tuning fork for Leene (my violin) last sunday then afterwards i cooked and had lunch then i bought materials from the hardware downstairs and voila! I painted on my very large canvas. After a few minutes a lovely grand mother went out from her own little sweet. Her sweet is just across ours. I smiled at her and tried to give out the best smile i can give. Hopefully its the same smile i used to give my Lola (mom's side)before she passed away.
The lovely grandma approached me and asked
"Hija nagpipintura ka?"
I humbly said "opo"
Then she smiled.
After she went inside her sweet i felt something freaky but nice. I really cant describe it but I felt that its one of the sweetest moments i had with a person or maybe i just have this special view on Grandmothers and Grandfathers. Theyre probably the sweetest people on earth with inspiring stories to share.
suddenly she reminded me of my other lola (dad's mom) whos really old but still very lovely (was it because she's half spanish?) She moves with grace, has a very gentle voice, and yeah she hates it when i frown. She touches my eyebrows and says
"Unatin ko nga yang kilay na yan para hindi nakakunot"
Then she smiles at me.
And that smile she kept on projecting as the day goes by shows me strength and love despite her weak and old body.
Her scrabble techniques actually saved me from losing the sacrabble intrams during highschool its an interlevel thing and i didnt really expect to place second i was able to beat a large number of brainiacs at school (booya!)
I remember spending the holy week with lola. Yup me and her alone in their house we talk about alot of things over a cup of coffee and a healthy breakfast
we feed the puppies together and clean the house together, we even plant and arrange the garden together. If there one thing i got from her well im not as smart as she is so i guess its not the brain, nor the beauty because shes really lovely. hmm i guess that thing would be "being makulit sa lahat ng bagay"
Sigh. I miss lola and lolo.
I love it whenever they share their experiences... Lolo is a world war survivor and is one of the soldiers at martial law despite that very depressing situation i cant imagine all the comedy hes been sharing i realized
"ang galing naman ni lolo tumatawa pa although kahit halos masabugan na ng bomba"
ahah and yes their kilig moments together, how they met, its funny seeing lola with rosy cheeks whenever i ask her about how she and lolo met.
Lolo died after i graduated grade school and Lola is turning 90 this may. And the funny thing is the whole "Cousins association" wanted to make a skit for lola and to my surprise I will be acting as the young Lola Emilia on her birthday yiheee ^__^
Thursday, February 25, 2010
ANINO-NINO? ---Isang pagbaklas,
Anino.
Lahat tayo ay may anino. Lahat ng bagay na nakikita may buhay man o wala. Lahat tayo ay may anino. Maliit man o malaki ang pinanggagalingan ng araw. kung tutuusin mas malaki ang anino kapag mas maliit at mas kakaunti lamang ang pinanggagalingan ng ilaw. Gaya na lamang ng gasera o kandila sa tuwing kakagat na ang paglubog ni haring araw. sa mga lugar naman kung saan laganap ang pinanggagalingan ng ilaw kadalasay nagpapamalas ng ibat ibang kulay pa at hugis ang mga ilaw na ito. Ngunit mananatiling itim pa rin ang kulay ng anino walang bahid ng ibang kulay at puro. May mga pagkakataong nauuna pa sa katauhan ng isang tao ang anino, minsa'y nasa likoran niya ito, minsan naman ay sa gilid. Saan ka man lumingon nariyan ang anino. At lahat tayo mayroon nito.
oo lahat tayo. Hinahabol, Pinangungunahan,Sinasamahan at kinakain ng aninong ito. Hinahabol kapag siya'y nasa likoran. Pinangungunahan kapag siya'y nasa unahan, sinasamahan kapag siya namay nasa ating tagiliran at kinakain sa oras na maramdaman nating dahan-dahan nang pumipikit ang tanglaw natin sa buong araw.
Bahagi na siya ng pagkatao mo pagkatao ko at pagkatao nating lahat.
at hindi na siya mawawala.
Marahil, sa lawak na nang naabot ng aking kaisipan bagamat limitado pa rin sapagkat hindi pa ganap ang aking kamalayan sa kamundohan. Hindi ko pa rin magagawang abutin ang tugatog,ang dahilan at kahulugan ng mga eksenang namumulat sa bawat yugto ng aking buhay. Bagamat marami nang pinagdaanan, ngunit kapos pa rin. Naninirahan pa rin sa aking kalooban ang isang nilalang na nagpupumilit pumiglas sa mga kadena ng pagtangis at karahasan.
Pagtangis at karahasan-- ang aking personal na konsepto ng anino. Ng anino mo, anino ko at anino nating lahat. Hindi na mawawaglit pa sa ating katauhan si anino, kayat matiyaga akong nakaabang sa isang tanglaw na walang katapat pa sa pagtingkad, maliwanag,puro, mas puro pa sa bahid ng tintang itim. at marahil kabaliktaran pa ng kulay itim. Inaasahan ko siyangm aging malawak at patuloy na papagitna sa akin at sa anino ng aking katauhan. Papagitna hanggang sa mawalay na ang aninong ito. Walang permisong kikitilin ng puti ang itim at mananaig sa lahat. ang puti ay mananaig sa lahat.
Makalalaya rin ako alam ko.
Lahat tayo ay may anino. Lahat ng bagay na nakikita may buhay man o wala. Lahat tayo ay may anino. Maliit man o malaki ang pinanggagalingan ng araw. kung tutuusin mas malaki ang anino kapag mas maliit at mas kakaunti lamang ang pinanggagalingan ng ilaw. Gaya na lamang ng gasera o kandila sa tuwing kakagat na ang paglubog ni haring araw. sa mga lugar naman kung saan laganap ang pinanggagalingan ng ilaw kadalasay nagpapamalas ng ibat ibang kulay pa at hugis ang mga ilaw na ito. Ngunit mananatiling itim pa rin ang kulay ng anino walang bahid ng ibang kulay at puro. May mga pagkakataong nauuna pa sa katauhan ng isang tao ang anino, minsa'y nasa likoran niya ito, minsan naman ay sa gilid. Saan ka man lumingon nariyan ang anino. At lahat tayo mayroon nito.
oo lahat tayo. Hinahabol, Pinangungunahan,Sinasamahan at kinakain ng aninong ito. Hinahabol kapag siya'y nasa likoran. Pinangungunahan kapag siya'y nasa unahan, sinasamahan kapag siya namay nasa ating tagiliran at kinakain sa oras na maramdaman nating dahan-dahan nang pumipikit ang tanglaw natin sa buong araw.
Bahagi na siya ng pagkatao mo pagkatao ko at pagkatao nating lahat.
at hindi na siya mawawala.
Marahil, sa lawak na nang naabot ng aking kaisipan bagamat limitado pa rin sapagkat hindi pa ganap ang aking kamalayan sa kamundohan. Hindi ko pa rin magagawang abutin ang tugatog,ang dahilan at kahulugan ng mga eksenang namumulat sa bawat yugto ng aking buhay. Bagamat marami nang pinagdaanan, ngunit kapos pa rin. Naninirahan pa rin sa aking kalooban ang isang nilalang na nagpupumilit pumiglas sa mga kadena ng pagtangis at karahasan.
Pagtangis at karahasan-- ang aking personal na konsepto ng anino. Ng anino mo, anino ko at anino nating lahat. Hindi na mawawaglit pa sa ating katauhan si anino, kayat matiyaga akong nakaabang sa isang tanglaw na walang katapat pa sa pagtingkad, maliwanag,puro, mas puro pa sa bahid ng tintang itim. at marahil kabaliktaran pa ng kulay itim. Inaasahan ko siyangm aging malawak at patuloy na papagitna sa akin at sa anino ng aking katauhan. Papagitna hanggang sa mawalay na ang aninong ito. Walang permisong kikitilin ng puti ang itim at mananaig sa lahat. ang puti ay mananaig sa lahat.
Makalalaya rin ako alam ko.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
