When theres actually no food on the table

I woke up late today, my body clock woke me up at 9am as i walk towards the kitchen, i saw a big pile of dishes waiting for me. And so after brushing my teeth in the morning thats the next thing i should do. WASH THE DISHES. I would love to eat first but theres actually no food on the table. Mom and Dad ate the left overs since the other day im sure, my sister will surely eat out. I dont have problems being stuck at home and being the only one who does the household chores, Im immune to that fact, and im tired of arguing about it, they've lost so many times to me. I wouldve been a world record if only it was a family debate show. But its not, and its not that frustrating as i expect it to be, probably my immunity just pushed my temper down. There really is nothing to much to cook. Ive got all i need for a pasta sauce either my creamy white sauce, or the chunky tomato sauce i used to make wouldve been possible but were out of pasta. Im sick of meat and canned goods. I usually laugh at these canned goods whenever i grocery with mom. When it comes to tuna i know which one tastes good and healthy, when it comes to corned beef i know which brand is salty, which one is chunky, which one tastes nasty, or even the one that doesnt seem to be a corned beef to me at all. I can even close my eyes and still know which to pick and not what to pick. The same goes ofr noodles, and other preserved foods. Oh and the famous pork and beans literally contains a piece of pork and a whole lot of beans (laughs)

Ima also sick of take outs in fact i know how many slices of Hotdog does jollibee and mcdonalds put on every serving of spaghetti, which part of the chicken should i order for chicken joy, which part of the chicken seems to be bigger at mcdonalds and waht hurts me is that all of these are not healthy for me.

As of now the best term i could think of is that were completely "bankrupt" we havent been to a grocery or almost two months, we dont cook except for the typical vigan longganisa, left over lechon which seemed to be a nihtmare to me every meal because ive been eating the same thing for almost a week. And after we finnifh that meal, guess what the next meal would be the famous tuna or sardines take your pick! This is probably why i hate summer, i odnt know why this always happensim even more worried about my summer classes which i should be paying on the 6th of april, and the worse thing is, i have to get back to school. Im already assuming the fact that my allowance would somewhat decrease by 50 percent due to the prevailing crisis at home. I can imagine our grocery budget being sent to the materials for our business which i should be working on too because in two years I'll be the one to run the it. i know how harsh business is seriously, money goes out totally and the pay isnt that much. My moms salary is les than 2k every week i guess due to our loans. Its funny, thinking how weve lasted a week, or a year perhaps, with only faith in our pockets and Christ in our hearts.

It also funny how people tease me wherever i go looking at me as if im some kind of a prima donna, perhaps because of how i carry my clothes. But the truth is I dont even buy clothes, most of it were just sent to me from abroad and when if ever id get to buy, i buy at divisoria. When it comes to shoes most of it are gifts, my favorite aerosoles and hush puppies were just gifts even my perfume was just a gift last year i was given a lancome perfume which actually costs 4k here in the Philippines. Those are just blessings i guess, but even without these things that make me glamorous, i wouldnt find it hard to live. And at home while everybody else thinks im a senorita, what they dont know is that im the one who cleans the bathroom,i scrub the walls, the sink the toilet. i know they cant imagine me doing these things. they probably think taht i have a higher status in life probably because im just refined. During our family reunions people notice evrything about me, the way i walk, carry my clothes, the way i eat, even what i eat, my gestures, all of it are noticed thats probably why i have to act refined to some degree which turned out helpful in a way. Especially now im the youngets girl among the grand children, and people are looking at me now.


They also have dreams for me, like after Fine Arts i have to take up Accountancy, pass the CPA and take up Law after and stand as the family's corporate lawyer.

"Fine Arts can always be a hobby." Thats what they always tell me but im really sorry, it cant be just a hobby, its a lifestyle to me, I vowed to myself promising Fine Arts the phrase "till death do us part" (laughs) call me obsessed but im just being real. People ask how many suitors do i have and cant believe that I've got no one. In fact there was one in the family who delivered a joke telling the whole family to have me date to this Belgian waffle I mean Belgian guy who happens to buy an island somewhere in Palawan, and i have to groom myself and date him so that the land properties would unite.

At that point, i just smiled and i knew they get what the smile was trying to say "Thanks, but no thanks"

At that point i was happy to hear their dreams for me, their strong determination to guide me (as they say) But im more thankful that I was quick on deciding on whats for me and whats not. Its fun to hear their preferences but unfortunately, tahts somewaht far from the path thats laid to me at this point, God's rabbit trails can possibly lead me to the dream they want me to talk, that wouldnt be a problem to me. Everyone can furnish plans for the future but hat doesnt mean that its a sure shot to the future, some dreams are only dreams, some ambitions are just illusions, but thats part of being human.

I think i typed too much already probably because im still tryongt o forget how hungry i am, and tired, im having chills, a slight fever maybe, i went out to paint something at church hours ago and jammed with the madrigal singers, I still sang with htem no matter how tired i am, my hands were even full of paint but im too crazy about music, im too crazy to miss it and now my body complains to me about it, im exhausted, but i htink im quite far from burn out. Besides, i love what i do, thats always an edge i believe, my passion always leads me to to work with more enthusiasm, even when theres no food on the table, i feel refreshed,recharged.

Too Far Gone

I built these walls with blinders on my eyes
brick by brick and now I realize
that I'm shut out I'm shut in
and every time I try to reach out I reach in
I break my fingers on the bricks
why do I do this to myself
there is really no one else to blame

Chorus
so could you reach down and pull me out
or am I just too far gone to be saved?
or am I just too far gone to be saved?

I take my falls, hands pulled behind my back
you made the knot and didn't leave much slack
now I'm tied up I'm tied down
now every time I try to fly up I fly down
into the sea and hold my breath
I am a mirrored rumble fish
life is so clenching for the kill

Chorus
so could you reach down and break my will
or am I just too far gone to be saved?
or am I just too far gone to be saved?

[ Instrumental-Bridge ]

I'm shut out I'm shut in
and every time is try to reach out reach in
I break my fingers on the bricks
now every time I try to fly up I fly down
into the sea and hold my breath
I am a mirrored rumble fish
life is so clenching for the kill

Chorus
so could you reach out and pull me out
or am I just too far gone
you'll never be too far gone,
you'll never be too far gone to be saved


Too Far Gone - by Sixpence None The Richer


This is actually one of the songs i loved from sixpence none the richer, it has been my favorite since grade school, I used to sing this since i was a kid, This would seem very awkward but everytime i sing this, i sing this as a prayer. I only found this on myspace.com in one of the albums of sixpence none the richer available in the site. The song just crushed my core, it accuartely expressed my attitude towards myself, and towards the Rock Of Ages (God) This is probably why i love music, because music knows me more than the people in my circle, more then the books i read, more than myself. It transports me to my dreams, to the world i wanted to be in even for just a moment, i sleep comfortably in my imagination giving myself a rest from reality. Supplies me air so that the moment i wake up again, i would have enough air to breathe,and just inaces i feel like im running out air, i can always go back and embrace my own secret place where my supply is, and the good thing about it is, my supply never runs out. Hmmm suddenly this post just led me to another sixpence none the richer track entitled breathe im trying to play it with my violin at this very moment.

Breathe

Take my sorrow and my sin
I will run into Your arms again
Hold me Father
Once again my tears are dried
By Your perfect love that's river-wide
Over-flowing
As I stand on its bank
With my arms overhead
I am overcome
As I breathe
The air of Heaven
Drawing in Your fragrance
When I breathe
I feel your fullness come alive
Inside of me
You're the breath that I breathe
Covered by the evening sky
I turn my gaze to where Your kingdom lies
Deep inside me
A silent whisper in my mind
Sweet surrender to Your love divine
Peace enfolding
In the stillness I empty my soul
And Your healing presence flows
As I breathe
The air of heaven
Drawing in Your fragrance
When I breathe
I feel Your fullness come alive
Inside of me
You're the breath that I breathe
It's taking hold
It's second nature when I
Savour...
When I
Savour...

You

As I breathe...

The Extra HUG Therapy

My thoughts are haunting me again.

I've told a few friends about these things that kept bothering me. And all i recieve in return was just pity. There are those who barely told me that they just dont know what to do, some acted like they can handle it but no matter how they try they wont understand what its like. I've made them listen to my depressing tune during conversations, some were just interested to know whats it about, some tried to help but failed.

In return, it was just pity. The only thing they have for me, thats probably the reason why they always told me that they will always be there.

But pity is just not what i need.

I absolutely have no time to pity myself and absolutely have no plans of increasing the number of the people who had details of my life story. And so when i feel like blurting it out and Ive got nobody to talk to, i talk to the walls of my room.

My dad used to do that when i was a kid whenever he punishes me. Its the first thing that happens before his leather belt reaches my fragile skin. And i never thought that, that kind of punishment (talking to walls) would be one of the ideas i could come up with just to let it all out. Friends are there, yes they are but not all the time, its not even their obligation to be there, they have their fair share of unwanted memories too im sure.

some just kept their ears open, some just shut their ears off while i was talking. and so i thought, it has always been better not to tell.

I remember the time when i went to speech class just to hand the data files to Mrs. Lou-lou Ignacio (My speech professor) i was exhausted, it appears in my face, that was the day before sembreak i think. and she just hugged me, and greeted my and advanced happy Christmas.

"Send my regards to rest of your classmates, Alyssa." She adds

She probably hugged me for my hardwork, or for just stopping by to deliver the data sheets. But to me it was something very comforting that just made every shape of melancholy fly away.

after leaving the room i sent her a text message, thanking her for the hug, and that its something i missed from my mom.

and so everytime i feel afraid, uncomfortable, lonely, i just go back to that memory, the hug. She never knew my life story but to some degree she accidentally mended a piece of the mess in me. She unconsciously filled a large part of my empty void

My blue hue suddenly intertwined with an orange pigment. I was relieved.

Art Souce

Have you ever wondered what could be the source of an artist's art? It could be the effort, the skill, the expenses (laughs), the fame, the fans,loved ones? Well, these things are all correct! Its all part of the recipe when you mix it all up it boils down to one word. Its the "HEART"


HEART = HEars the ART

HEART = tHE most fragile pARt

Heart, the real art source, it can never fake emotions, it defines an artist's strokes, i dont wanna get into more science explaining the effect of the heart pulse to the strokes and all that. But then i wrote it here because i want my viewers to understand that. And also this is one thing that i would want to remember when i get older. Where would i be if god didnt create art. Will the churches which are built edifices for worship would have intricate art nouveau designs if art never existed? Or the modern structures we have wouldnt be built that way if not for art deco. Who says only engineers and architechts are the only ones in charge with that? (laughs) They just compute the stability of the structure but not really as brilliant as the artists when it comes to design (laughs).

Art is influential. Everything you see is art in fact its actually part of everybody's lifestyle. The clothes you wear, your house, even the food you eat theres always art in it. Because if it wasnt then imagine your surroundings to be black and white! thats why i love it, it defines whats in and whats not it can choose to follow the norms or not it can bring back old styles or invent new ones, everything is possible with it.Nothing is permanent with art and that just drives me more crazy about it. It never chooses age, everybody's free to have a feel of art even a line is an artwork, even a dot is an artwork, its for everybody to feel, you just have to let it have its way to your heart. That way you could even have your own remarkable experience with it.

She has always been different

Mom brought me home an Alice in Wonderland dvd. If my sister loved "The Beauty and the Beast", i have always loved "Alice in Wonderland" I find it interesting since i learned how to read, we had a printed copy of the story one of the oldest hardbound copies i must say, with full colored illustrations, which made me love Lewis Caroll more.

I loved it since grade school, the fluttery words and statements that sounded very awkward to my ears. I dont even know what a jabberwockey is at that time. But then i find it interesting probably because it was too deep for my mind to reach. Some say that most of its ideas are out of context and is considered none sense. But for me, it was topsy- turvy. It was always the opposite of how people see it.

Alice in wonderland is the most precise description of the world i created deep within myself, where animals speak, everything has breathe, everything can speak, everybody, alive!

And Alice, has always been different, shes brilliant and not the typical kind of woman people thought that she would be. Refused a man's proposal (even though he was a Lord) probably because he doesnt capture her taste, but then, as far as i can see, its because theres so much to discover in this world than just growing lovely and being loved.

Shes up for so much more, something bigger than the ordinary, adventure! To some point Alice is the easiest description to my awkward self, and its also the kind of world i always dreamed.

Plus the bonus in that movie was the man who took the role as the mad hatter, yes its Johnny Depp! (^_^) i might post something again after watching the whole hollywood version of my super-hero, aside from batman, its Alice!

A Release of Anger (Burn Baby Burn!)

i rode a jeep on my way home i saw an old high school friend int he jeepney he asked why didnt i take a ride to fairview instead he asked if i stay in a dorm i said no, condo. "At medyo napalakas pa yata ang boses ko when i said that" Suddenly the manong driver didnt return my change, i paid 20 pesos for the fare then when we were headed somewhere near welcome rotonda i asked for the change, then he gave me 3 pesos instead of 6 pesos. I wasnt really concerned with the money i just want things returned to me fairly just like the 6pess change from the 20 peso bill i paid. then afterwards he was driving the whole vehicle like crazy you will notice that through the amount of inertia that doesnt seem very normal.
if illustrated to an object our trajectory is right but our projectile seemed wrong which made it very noticeable.

If only i was insane by that time and lacked self control i wouldve spilled my paint thinner, mixed with a little amount of linseed oil, turpentine and gas (its an artist thing) then probably buy some cigarette from a vendor that roams around jeepneys during the traffic, and throw the cigarette right through my spilled gas spell and poof! it became coco crunch! the whole jeepney will burn together with the driver! But i think thats too violent for a few peso change, well, i know its sin although it only runs in my head, the urge begins there though but of course iw as just releasing my anger to myself.

As he kept on dragging the jeepney i became mad again and told myslef "Ikaw ay isang jeepney driver lamang at ako ang kinabukasan ng bayan!" but still after saying that i knew it felt wrong. it is wrong. and so instead of letting it stuck in myself i decided to just write it here in my own little sanctuary, wherein i wont be judged for my imperfections, shortcomings and the like, even for negative reactions, and pesimistic views or just a bad attitude like this one. But as this post ends, my anger emancipates, it flies away and as i press the dot which is the last element of this post, ill make sure that these thoughts would be thrown away and will be replaced by a genuine smile. ^__^

The Onion Story

I was comfortably slouched in the cab on my way home with mom. then suddenly a small scenario from my childhood days crashed in my "cracked head".

I was way back in elementary back then, i spend half of the day at school and half at home. I always have my packed lunch with me I eat half of it at school and spare the other half for my lunch when i get home. My mom works in a hospital and dad stays home bored. Its been a year since he got back from Germany but he wasnt able to go back there this time. And so since my dad always takes his siesta every 12 in the afternoon til around 4pm i always assume that there will be no lunch cooked for me thats the reason i spared half of my packed lunch. Afterwards i study, since my dad stays home he was the one who told me to study in advance after homework. Four chapters in advance per subject. I enthusiastically follow that so i can watch "cats eye" in the afternoon and doraemon afterwards.

My dad wakes up by the time that i started watching my afternoon anime trio. And starts cooking for dinner before mom arrives from work. we only live in a small house in bulacan but we bought two lots, i didnt mind living in a small house despite the fact that im used to good looking apartments, i was young but is satisfied in what my parents can afford. We have a small space in front that is supposed to be reserved for parking but since we didnt have a car we decided to fill the space with plants, it became a garden, my grandma plants lemons there kamote tops, malunggay , guava and papaya, eggplants. this lifestyle created a drastic change in me really, the reason why we planted these vegetables its because this is where we get the food we eat, i was in elementary back then and i knew how to pick these vegetables, it made me happy, and sometimes these plants even helped one of our neighbors, they didnt have food too so we shared them some of what we have.

aside from that i help my dad cook after watching my anime trio,this time he asked me to peel the onions. Since im not encouraged to use a knife my dada told me to use my hand instead , and as i peel these onions i notice that it leaves dark marks on the corners of my nails and it doesnt wear off easily that i have to bring those marks with me until the next day. In short i go to school with slightly dirty hands (laughs) some of my classmates teased me for it.

Then when i got home from school, i told my dad that i dont want to peel onions ever again, then he asked why,

i told him "Eh kasi inaasar nila ako"

"bakit sinong umaapi sayo?"

Then the cponversation ends with

"ang importante marunong ka magbalat ng sibuyas" then he laughs

" hindi naman kailangan maganda ang mga kamay mo, kailangan marunong gumawa ng mga bagay ang mga kamay na yan" he adds

I didnt realize that, that particular scenario would encourage me to create things, and im happy to bring that with me as i grow older, i was addicted to art since i was a baby, i love drawing on walls with crayons and sketch sailormoon while watching an episode at abc 5 but i was opting for law or medicine that time thats why i study hard, but if ever i took those two high and heavy courses i wouldve missed this wonderful chance to create things, pursuing my real passion which is art. besides, who says that fine arts is easy? (laughs) not even the skilled ones say that.

This is probably the reason why i dont like nail polish that much, im not ashamed with my filthy painted hands, because my hands are meant to create, my hands are not for show, they have a very special function. These hand will create things, will design places, clothes, products that people will purchase, and follow. It is for that very special influential role.

I never expected to have such a philosophy in life in that early age, who wouldve expected that i would learn that from onions? ^__^

Psycho Bucket (Slightly revealing their privates in public)

Im back to my own little soundboard again (my blog) for this is where i can choose to talk and talk and talk as much as i want, say things that nobody can contest nor contradict, this blog is my alter-ego, my most loyal friend, my fortress,my own little sanctuary, my own reality.

I had a date with my mom and her two female psycho-psychologist friends over a big spongebob bucket meal at kfc. They had their typical office talks as usual and i was actually scheduled for an evaluation sometime this summer, a psychiatric test, i just want to find out if something's wrong with me, a psychiatric disorder or whatever they call it. If i should take proper medication to sleep instead of suppressing unwanted emotions etc. stuff like that.

I was there "sabog" because i painted the largest painting ive ever attempted to paint in my 18 years of existence (its just a 2x3 metered canvas though^_^) but despite my awkward self, awkward looking face and fashion taste, mom's friends appreciated my features especially my eyes they view me positively and whispered their comments to me whenever they see women with good legs, in mini skirts, slightly revealing their privates in public. we call them backless and flawless but of course they meant that with sarcasm, theyre not insecure i cant blame them though for their comments. Even if i dont seem to look that good, they still preferred my weird conservative,slightly futuristic or should i say sometimes out of this world fashion statement. and thats probably the most comforting thing I've heard today.

They asked me what kind of food do i usually eat at home, i told them raw vegetables (salads), yogurt, meat,red rice,brown rice,wheat bread, pasta, wheat pasta etc. but once were out of groceries we resort to the noodle stucks at the cupboard, canned goods, hot dogs, and the like. I was aware that i was being observed, from the moment i began eating up to the time we stood up and left the table, but i didnt really mind, as long as im being natural, they still asked me questions, about school, my age etc. and also noticed the paint left on the sides of my nails, its my own symbolism of hardwork (laughs) Oh well after all im happy drinking my iced tea on a patrick star tumbler, i love talking to my mom's friends i find them really interesting, they both live a single life but very happy with whatever its is that they have and most importantly happy for who they are. After that small event, i realized that i wanna grow old like them ^_^

Worst Heartache Ever

Its almost 6:15 in the evening, i was on my way to the church to rehearse with the madrigal singers and also to fix the line up for Sunday. well all of it was cleared i ate fried noodles, rehearsed with kuya Randy for Sunday, informed Ate Julie through facebook and the last thing i have to do is apologize to a little kid for not coming last Monday.

Lets call her Mimi, a cute 5 year old little girl whom i didnt really like at first. I remebered after playing "The Price is Right" last Sunday evening i promised her that I'd play with her the next day and she agreed, she really wanted me to be her playmate, and i feel the same in return. In fact i really wanna connect with her, little kids like her see things that grown ups cant. They feel things that are usually ignored.

To cut the long story short i wasnt able to attend last Monday and so i immediately apologized to her the moment i saw her at church a few hours ago. I was expecting her to be angry and is about to ask her what she wants as a peace offering but she didnt demand anything in fact she just said:

"Its alright we can play this one now!" as she grabbed her ball.

I was surprised to hear that from her, while playing catch with her, at the back of my mind im trying to recall the first time she approached me,

i was working on a chart that time for the Dreamweaver workshop at church, Mimi was there watching me. after a few inutes i greeted everybody goodbye because i need to head back to school for an evening class in Ballromm Dancing. Then Mimi said:

"If you need someone to talk to Im just here ate, you remember Hillcrest right?"

"Of course i do ^__^" I replied.

And now Im trying to make up from the broken promise i made by spending time with her. besides, i missed playing too. I was eating fried noodles when her face somewhat turned in a very sad expression. She said she misses her mom

and then i told her that i used to spend my childhood days that way when i was a kid, my mommy used to be at the office, so early that i dont get to see her in the morning. I told her that she was lucky enough to have playmates around her while her mom's not around, but still my words didnt really comfort her. After eating, we played again shes patient enough to wait for me to finnish my rehearsal the moment i was called, unfortunately she had to wait until after the choir jamming is over which comes after the band rehearsal.


And because of what happened i promised to spend the afternoon with her tomorrow,play ball, count one to ten, draw on her drawing board or just skip with her around the place. i know I've got lots to do which is why I'll try to work double time tonight so i can spend my afternoon with her tomorrow, that sad face really broke my heart, and i know behind that face theres a deep sad feeling. To some degree i can see myself in her. I wanna make her feel that shes not alone, 5 years old, at that age i started thinking that i was alone, and i clenched my fists to that perspective as i grew older. It was just recent when i decided to let it go.

After a while my heartbeat started to slow down when she said

"Of course I love you ate alyssa"

Then i started to remember alot of experiences with the kids who also said a line thats quite close to what Mimi just said to me.


It was Summer last year, i voluntered as a worker for a children's ministry, I was completely honest with everything to everybody. I was really devoted to it, pouring out my heart into everything i do, its not about work really, its actually a form of worship for me. Some Kids see me, some dont, its because im only one of the people behind the stage most of the time. I dont belong to the people on stage, probably beacsue im new, and not pure enough as they say. I was always creative with every thing, from my works to my clothes and thats how the kids notice me and suddenly followed my fashion statement. Hugging me in elevators and asking me when will they ever get to see me in sunday school. Or at least assist in their class.

I always make excuses for these queries, for i cant really tell them that i wasnt allowed to be in their sunday school classes because i was told that im not for teaching, or it actually felt like, its because i cant be a good example to them anymore, for they know my story. I didnt regret my honesty, but since i cant be visible all the time, i make sure that i can communicate with them through my artworks. Its the best i can give.

and also i help arrange and fix the chairs just so the kids can see me, greet them good morning before the praise and worship starts or just wave a hi to them. I was reprimanded for some things. And dared not to tell anyone about it.


Summer camp was fast approaching, i spent sleepless nights working none stop just to finnish all the things that is assigned for me to do. I almost got sick but despite the fever i still push myself to go there probably because its the best way to communicate my love for the children's ministry.

The summer camp came. I designed almost 150 enevelopes each design is unique in pen and ink i made all of it in one night thats the first gift i gave them, the moment they received it they even thought that it was computerized, i just smile at them whenever they say that, next is arranging a tagalized skit for them communicating Matthew 6:25 (yes thats the verse according to my journal) which actually challenegd all the teachers and workers to present their skits in a presentable, funny, enjoyable and interactive way. And because of that kids were inspired to be workers,telling their teachers that they want to be active workers too.

What else did i do in that camp? i was able to teach a kid how to float and do the back stroke, because she was afraid to swim without holding on the sides of the pool, at the end of the day, she started enjoying the swimming experience even with her hands off the sides of the swimming pool.

during the confession night,i prayed to each and every kid,praying for their parents as well, some even told me special prayer requests.

on the last day of the art activity we ran out of materials, some kids sacrificed their share of artworks to their fellow campers --- and some staffers hated for that

"lahat na yata ng taray at kasungitan natamo ko dahil nagkulang ang gamit although i wasnt the one responsible for the inventory"

And when the kids got home from the camp you know what they told their parents?

"Hi mom, i gave out my share of materials to this kid so she can have an artwork, i was willing to sacrifice my share for her."


isnt that the reason why theyre being sent to summer camps? to learn these values and im happy to see it bear fruit.

I was exhausted during the last day, but still i carried the kid's bags and i made sure that nothing gets lost.

i had a few minutes to rest, i opened my own small envelope wherein all the letters from the kids were placed and theres this one remarkable note saying:

Ate Allyssa, thanks for the wonderful thing you have with us. Good Bye! --from Hannah

i know the spelling is quite wrong but i didnt mind even if this kid meant what she said or not it still gave an impact to me as a church worker. In fact she doesnt really know what i did in the camp, she doesnt even have a vivid picture of how hard i worked for that camp, but she felt, that i have this thing for all of them which she considered wonderful, i wept in tears after reading it. it was actually a success, this kid felt the thing that i want for them to get.

This is what a kid sees. things that are not really visible to the eye. things that are beyond a grown up's mind. Thats why leaving that ministry really caused me a heart ache. But i had to. Its better that i left rather than facing these kids with a bitter self as a result of the issues people has been putting on me every single Sunday.

In fact i was advised to leave. The last thing i made was a giant card for a kid's mom who has a severe case of cancer. I never got to see her but then i hope shes happy with that jumbo card. i embossed a butterfly on it and filled that part with colors.


I still pray for those kids until now. But if God permits for me to visit them in time i will immediately run there on a Sunday, even if they wont remember me anymore, id still remember them.

Habang Buhay Kong Ikagagalak--(Ang Mamatay ng Dahil Sa'yo)

Ang lahat ay ipinanganganak na may angking alab sa kalooban. Isang ningas na maaring magliyab, ningas na maari ring mauwi sa pagiging abo na lamang.

Ang alab ay madali nating napaliliyab, lalo na kapag inungkat ang pagliyab ng alab na ito kalakip ang tamang dahilan, kalakip ang uhaw na pumipiglas sa iyong pagka patay- malisya, kalakip ang gutom na matagal nang nagpapagal na maibsan. At dulot nito, ang isang mabangis na katauhan.


ipanganganak ang isang panibagong sarili, walang pigil na hahanapin ang huwad na katotohanan, pinanggalingan, ang puno't dulo ng lahat ng nasa iyong kapaligiran.

Dulot ng di mapukaw na uhaw madalas ika'y mahihiwalay sa pagtakbo kasapi ang iba pang mga nag-aalab na nilalang.

Di maiwasan ang katigasan ng ulo sapagkat nasa murang edad pa lamang. Nagawa mo nang makipag sabayan noon pa man, ngunit tuluyan nang nahuli. at inisip na imbis na ituloy ang pagtakbo ay inisip na mas komportable ang maglakad na lamang.

Oras na para muling mamulat. Bumangon ka mula sa iyong pagkakahimlay, masyado nang matagal at tila masyado nang mabagal ang iyong paglakad.

Pilipinas! Huwag kang hihinto!

Habulin mo ang iyong napipintong pagsiklab, huwag pahuhuli, makibaka! Gisisngin ang alab ng pagkabayani sa bawat isang isinilang at nakinabang sa iyong kalupaan.

Kahit ang alitaptap kung magtabi-tabi'y nagpapamalas ng liwanag, Kayang kumislap... kayang kumislap, at sa kanilang pagkislap, ikaw ay magsusumiklab, mabubuhay ang dugong Pilipino at mabilis na dadaloy sa iyong mga ugat. Kabataan sigaw!

Maghuhumiyaw ang iyong loob kakabog ang iyong dibdib, magwawala, lalaban, pag iigihan, gagawa ng kaparaanan sa lahat ng bagay. Pagsusumikapan ang pagbasa ng bawat pahina, gagamitin angiyong mga kamay sa pagpinta ng mga larawan, magsusulat ng mga salitang magbubunsod ng matinding kilabot sa bawat isang makakakita, bawat isang makababasa, at mapupukaw ng kanilang mga pag iisip na sila ay nahaharap sa isang matinding digmaan, isang digmaan ng lahi at kaluluwa, digmaan ng materyal at tao, sarili laban sa sarili, digmaan upang iwaksi ang lahat ng hadlang.

At ikaw, ang magiging simula ng lahat ng pagbabago

tatayo kasabay ang alab na kailanma'y hindi magagapi. At ang iyong alab ay siya ring Maykapal na kailanma'y iyong magiging kadikit. walang humpay kang sasamahan, hindi ka iiwanan.

Pangarap kong mabuhay ang alab na ito sa lahat ng tao.

Ngayon ko lamang naintindihan ang tunay na laman ng Panatang Makabayan, sa tagal na sinambit ko ang panatang ito noong ako'y nasa murang edad pa lamang ni hindi man lang naipaliwanag sa akin ang saysay nito. Mismong ang panatang ito ay hindi nakadepende sa sarili lamang, sa aking pagninilaynilay sa panatang ito sa mas malalim pa nitong konsepto, natamo ko ang isang linyang nagsasabing

"Ang matibay na tatak ng tunay na Pilipino ay ang pag-akay sa kanyang pananampalataya sa Maykapal."


na siyang nagbuhat sa kantang "Bangon ni Rico Blanco" na tila may koneksyon sa paghagupit ni Ondoy sa ating bansa at sa muling pag "click" ko ng sumunod na "link" nahanap ko ang isang magndang komposisyon na ito.

YUGTO


Sa gitna ng kagubatan may ahas na hahalik
Tatawagin kang kaibigan na pinaka matalik
Pupulupot sa leeg mo't sisipsip ng iyong dugo
Ipapako ka sa krus kapag ikaw ay natuyo

Sa gitna ng kaguluhan may kumukulong bulkan
Di ma pigil ang yabang at sakdal na kasakiman
Susubukang angkinin ang lahat ng hindi kanya
Kung kaya kang paikutin tiyak paiikutin ka

Ngunit hindi nila kayang baliin ang iyong loob
Ang pag-ibig na hawak mo'y hindi malulubog

Lumiyab ka... lumiyab...

Sa gitna ng kadiliman may puwitreng nagmamasid
May magbabato ng putik ngunit walang mayayanig
Iiyak ang mga batang nahulugan ng candy
Laging mga problema sa iba'y sinisisi

Sa gitna ng kagubatan may ahas na hahalik
Itinuring mong kaibigan na pinaka matalik
Leeg mo'y pupuluputan dugo mo'y sisipsipin
Kapag wala ka nang pakinabang ang ending mo'y sa bangin

Ngunit hindi nila kayang baliin ang iyong loob
Ang pag-ibig na hawak mo'y hindi malulubog

Lumiyab ka...

Tuwing hating gabi maririnig mo ang huni
Ng mga kaluluwang naliligaw
Lahat ng pera sa mundo hindi kayang gawing ginto
Ang huwad na tao...

Ang mga tinig palakas ng palakas
Hanggang gumuho ang mga hadlang

Ang mga tinig palakas ng palakas
Hanggang gumuho ang mga hadlang

Saksi ang langit sa lahat ng naganap
Saksi ang langit sa ikalawang yugto...

Lumiyab ka...
Lumiyab ka...
(Sa ngalan ng katotohanan)
Lumiyab ka...
(Sa ngalan ng iyong dangal, ang puso mo't iyong isipan)
Lumiyab ka...
Lumiyab ka...
(Ialay mo sa maykapal)
Lumiyab ka...

--Yugto by Rico Blanco

at dahil dito naiintindihan ko na kung bakit ganito ang awitin ni Rico Blanco, kungbakit dapat kong ipagmalaki at mahalin ang Pilipinas, kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng Lupang Hinirang at kung bakit buong loob kong ikaliligaya

"Ang mamatay ng dahil Sa'yo"

Kung puwede lang manabunot!

I went home seeing all my paintings hanged on the wall, and for an artist, its really pays to see your paintings carefully placed and arranged on the wall i was inspired by the improvement, comparing it to my previews works, im really happy to see the differences, of course there will always be a flaw in each and every work, but every work makes me really happy, i worked hard for each and every artwork treating each of them as my own offspring (laughs) I feel like a mom giving birth after finishing one artwork (i know that didnt sound pretty well).

But my day didnt end there

after uploading a few photos in my facebook account i saw this one person whom i really hate to see in my account, i cant delete her ---for organization purposes. hmm for privacy purposes lets just name her BETTY BOOP.

Going back, i saw betty boop online in my account i remember seeing her at the faculty's door last saturday and unfortunately im headed taht way to submit a plate to my professor. I informed her that i was waiting for the the professor's reply to my interview questions which was supposed to be forwarded to me at the middle of February. Then she said

"Talgang wala pa yun kasi sabi ni sir siya na daw ang gagawa ng article."

afterwards imagine that "irap plus taas ng kilay tipo ng da-moves"

Arghh! nakakainis talaga she even knew that I was the one handling that interview and she didnt even inform me! I was starting to lose my temepr at that very moment but of course i didnt do anything.

"kaya tuloy nakikita ko pa lang siya nagdidilim na piningin ko " (rawr!)

well thats what happened last saturday

and minutes ago i had a short chat with her and asking her if there are any other articles the E.I.C. could assign to me. Then she said

"Ako kaya ang naghahandle ng lahat ng articles!"

i plainly said ok

but deep inside "kumukulo na talaga ang dugo ko"(rawr!)

Then she gave me a task i even suggested something but she disapproved it.

mangiyak-ngiyak na ako sa inis --well actually thats my initial reaction whenever i feel bad about something i cry whenever i get the chance to be on my own just so i can release the tension and dare not hurt anybody, if not that i just stay calm and keep quiet.

hyy she doesnt even know a thing my goodness she cant speak straight and fluent english, very conscious with her grammar, --i apologize for posting these things in my blog but im really angry and id go crazy if i dont release this, nothing is worth supressing, i cant be too depressed. Depresseion has never been helpful ever and so this blog somewhat served as my soundboard whenever things like these happen.


waaah im seriosuly crying right now because im really mad about how she treats me and she kept acting bossy.

but what can i do?

i just follow...

nakakstress, im really thinking of leaving the org but i know the org needs help, maybe i should give it more time before finally giving it up. It doesnt matter of my articles wont be read rather than seeing myself weep every night because of stress and because of people like betty boop.

"kahit pa puwedeng manabunot, hindi ko kaya papatayin lang ako ng konsensya ko after which is much worse"

argh! despite this heavy feeling ill do my best to submit an excellent work, its the only thing i can do, and keep being a sport. I really hate this feeling "ang bigat sa loob" literally...


I should keep myself calm all the time that is if i dont wanna depend on pain relievers again due to my intolerable chest pains.

Maybe i should eat something sweet or just watch an old rugrats episode as a remedy ^__^ besides, i missed chuckie!

A Wonderful Overkill

I went to school this morning with my headset stuck on my ears so that it would keep me up during the 45 minutes of travel going to school. I was tuned in to Jam 88.3 its actually my favorite radio station then suddenly i heard the song "beautiful" by Patrick Nuo. Since i didnt get to memorize the whole song i just had the chorus posted here since its the only thing i can remember.

She's so beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
magical, mystical, irresistible, cosmical
a wonderfull overkill but most of all beautiful



The truth is if only i had the whole song posted here it wouldve been better but umm well, i guess the chorus is good enough.


Going back I rode jeepney headed Quiapo very sleepy, tired,insecure in a way because i didnt really fix myself today then suddenly hearing this beautiful song by patrick nuo just took off the whole insecurity thing inside me

in short "binobola ko ang sarili ko" the whole time the track was playing (laughs) I find the song really fantastic. Especially the line "a wonderful overkill" which actually impresses me everytime it plays back in my head. I mean for someone whos really tired and doesnt really fix herself then suddenly hears a song like this actually bossts a woman's moral? Why? Its because it made me more comfy about myself nyahah! My aunt actually sends me money for make up every month she told me to buy make up for myself but i dont,because i always end up spending it on my school materials and food (minsan pa nga naisasama ko sa sukli na dapat kong ibalaik sa mom ko whenevr sobra yung pera na binibigay niya for the day at narerealize ko lang na nasama dun yungipon ko after handing over the money to her nyaha at pagkatapos hindi ko na binabawe because i dont really mind....that much ^__^


I wish i could share all the daily comedies i had during this past few days but its actually a collection of my embarassing moments... maybe next on the next posts id share it but not now nyaha!

Time for dinner! I gotta eat!

The Lovely Grandma

I was browsing through my previous posts and i noticed that all of it appeared exhausting or should i say "exhausted". Stressing, melancholic, and sometimes angry. Nothing's new really im still the same old workaholic chick! (laughs) Ill try to make this post as relaxing as possible.

I started playing my violin the moment i got home, i was really enthusiastic because i bought a tuning fork for Leene (my violin) last sunday then afterwards i cooked and had lunch then i bought materials from the hardware downstairs and voila! I painted on my very large canvas. After a few minutes a lovely grand mother went out from her own little sweet. Her sweet is just across ours. I smiled at her and tried to give out the best smile i can give. Hopefully its the same smile i used to give my Lola (mom's side)before she passed away.

The lovely grandma approached me and asked

"Hija nagpipintura ka?"

I humbly said "opo"

Then she smiled.

After she went inside her sweet i felt something freaky but nice. I really cant describe it but I felt that its one of the sweetest moments i had with a person or maybe i just have this special view on Grandmothers and Grandfathers. Theyre probably the sweetest people on earth with inspiring stories to share.

suddenly she reminded me of my other lola (dad's mom) whos really old but still very lovely (was it because she's half spanish?) She moves with grace, has a very gentle voice, and yeah she hates it when i frown. She touches my eyebrows and says

"Unatin ko nga yang kilay na yan para hindi nakakunot"

Then she smiles at me.

And that smile she kept on projecting as the day goes by shows me strength and love despite her weak and old body.

Her scrabble techniques actually saved me from losing the sacrabble intrams during highschool its an interlevel thing and i didnt really expect to place second i was able to beat a large number of brainiacs at school (booya!)

I remember spending the holy week with lola. Yup me and her alone in their house we talk about alot of things over a cup of coffee and a healthy breakfast

we feed the puppies together and clean the house together, we even plant and arrange the garden together. If there one thing i got from her well im not as smart as she is so i guess its not the brain, nor the beauty because shes really lovely. hmm i guess that thing would be "being makulit sa lahat ng bagay"

Sigh. I miss lola and lolo.

I love it whenever they share their experiences... Lolo is a world war survivor and is one of the soldiers at martial law despite that very depressing situation i cant imagine all the comedy hes been sharing i realized

"ang galing naman ni lolo tumatawa pa although kahit halos masabugan na ng bomba"

ahah and yes their kilig moments together, how they met, its funny seeing lola with rosy cheeks whenever i ask her about how she and lolo met.

Lolo died after i graduated grade school and Lola is turning 90 this may. And the funny thing is the whole "Cousins association" wanted to make a skit for lola and to my surprise I will be acting as the young Lola Emilia on her birthday yiheee ^__^