Weeping over a plate of menudo

today was supossedly a nice and sunny Sunday i was supposed to go online during the midnight but i was too exhausted and too depressed to get up. I played the second season of the big bang theory in my cousins portable dvd player while i sleep. I was desperate to cheer up myself in my own little way.

and so today was was a sunday morning I was supposed to get up for church and lead the worship band im a singer there. i was all dolled up when a txt message came telling me "Alyssa tutugtog na tayo where are you na." and then afterwards another message came saying "start na" and im still at home waiting for my mom and dad to prep up since theyre riding a cab they didnt allow me to walk in my high heels and ride a trycicle so i waited. But then i extremely got pissed that Id be late for the singing and i got really irritated. while waiting i played plants versus zombies and then i told my mom na magstart na and that she has to hurry up and then she shouted "naglalaro ka tapos ako mamadamadaliin mo?" she even had the guts to play her fuckin farmville before she took a bath .


so i locked myself in my room and shouted "Im not going anymore"
mom knocked and dad knocked saying osige wag ka nang sumama pero hindi ka na papasok sa school you will serve the house as a maid para may katulong dito sa bahay


and i hated it everytime they threaten me of being stuck at home and will be treated as my dads maid parang naisip ko sana pinalo nalang ako ng sinturon just like how he pulls me back and forth their room and hits me with a very thick leather belt way back when i was a kid

Im so depressed and i cant even get to talk to anybody, im out of credits so i cant even use my celphone to txt or even call someone .

I dont know if id still be able to go to school tomorrow.

If they dont want me to study its fine ,my parents would be the main cause of my sabotajed future and their grand children would surely hear those exact words from me and how my dad violated me when i was young.

Im so angry Ive been so angry about alota things that i dont remember the exact reason why i feel this bad. When i was younger i asked my mom to put me to therapy since she had my sister checked and is diagnosed with borderline schizophrenia, when i asked my mom if i can come and have my own slot for therapy too she said "wag na kasi magastos" I even begged for a psychiatric test but she never listened.


and now i keep growing old not understanding myself not that understanding myself depends on psycho exams but its just that i dont get to talk to anybody.

I didnt go to church today It woould insult Christ to see me down here singing with a bitter tune. It might affect the congregation. I find it enough to ruin mom and dads day


I know youd figure out how bad this side of me is my parents never listened to me and now im not even comftable opening things to them

my chest ached so bad its probably the bone inflammation thing again.

and here i am now weeping over a plate of menudo--- i know that sounds kinda funny i wrote that line to make sure that im still intact with my senses that im really eating and weeping while eating menudo

If im to ask

I just dont wanna stay here anymore

im too dpressed with my course and now instead of the house being a place of comfort it turned out like its a railway to hell for me.