please do check out my new blog. Its pollyperiwinkle.wordpress.com
visit my new fresh and neat blog. ^_^
Friday, May 21, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Patay Kang Bata Ka!
For whatever reason i felt really tired the moment i woke up this morning.Lack of rest and sleep for the past few weeks probably plus i dont eat on time. I was late for my Philosophy class this morning but i guess Sir Medel was nice enough to understand that. Im glad he was. After Philo class i wnet out and had breakfast at the food court iw as alone, sending friends messages that I've been very dizzy and asking them what should i do. Most of them knew that i havnet eaten my breakfast yet. I was that thrifty but i guess if I'd be rushed to the hospital again then that wouldnt be consudered as "thrifty" at all. Its a good thing John sent me a message. That he was on his way to the print shop. he invited me to go with him. And so i went because i felt like i needed to walk to keep me up and also to avoid myself from falling. I cant barely see where im going beacsue iw as too dizzy, i felt like i had fever that time.
"Hi lyssa, i still have 48 seconds left which means im still on time."
without telling him he knew that punctuality is a must for me
"Thats alright, my goodness you look really stressed!"
"Yeah i have to have my resume printed and i have to fix a few things at the tech building. Is it your break time."
"yup, id be very willing to help you out."
"you'd rather be busy than bored dear!" he laughingly said.
I just replied with a smile not telling him how dizzy i was.
We were about to cross the street as we walk to the internet shop so we can layout his portfolio. I car was moving really fas. Tnhedriver was probably uncertain if we would cross or not which made him think if he would pull his breaks or not. John went forward then he went backward a few steps he was pulling my hand backward as i go forward to the next side of the street and i was about to be hit by the car. Not to mention the car was obviously brand new.
I couldnt tell john that im having problems with my eyesight. I stopped wearing my glasses four years ago and stopped attending to my opthalmologist since i stopped. I was worried that it would cause too much so i decided to get rid of my glasses. But todays situation proved my great need for a new pair of glasses. Id probably look ofr a new doctor after we pay my tuition fee.
Going back, instead of having a trauma we just laughed at it. Thats the advantage of having gay people around. John is always busy but is happy, working and studying at the same time. Yup in the fashion industry he already sold his designs and built a good impression to his boss. Thats probably why his boyfreind was proud of him all along.
John is one of the popel who enjoyed having conversations with me, of course we agree on alot of stuff. We may have different beliefs but one great thing about my friend is he just makes me laugh at things instead of thinking about it over and over again.
"You bother too much dear." he always says
we finished all his tasks in approximately 45 minutes rushing here and there. Ive seen his works its just amazing, a few years from now i wont be surprised if he would become a great advertiser.
i packed his things while he fixes his paper works
we walked back to the building for my next class
"Thanks, bye na lyssa"
"Bye john"
hahah the best part is the beso-beso part hahah i dont know i just find it very comforting.
Im thankful to have John in my circle, very professional yet very unique fun what can i say? A fashion designer will always be fabulous in his or her own fashionable way.
He gave me my ticket to the Philippine fashion week. He had me as part of the guest list with my own special seat. Im really happy to have this great opportunity. Being a writer is really fun! Of cpurse i have to go to the event just incase our magazine will cover this particular event at least i would have some things to write about.
After the Philippine fashion week, id be heading straight o quezon avenue to celebrate Lola's birthday I was asked to sing and play the violin at the vent plus i might act out as the young emilia in the skit. Oh well i can imagine how tired would i be on that day. hahaha I'll commute on dress and heels! It would be one gerat adventure i must say!
"Hi lyssa, i still have 48 seconds left which means im still on time."
without telling him he knew that punctuality is a must for me
"Thats alright, my goodness you look really stressed!"
"Yeah i have to have my resume printed and i have to fix a few things at the tech building. Is it your break time."
"yup, id be very willing to help you out."
"you'd rather be busy than bored dear!" he laughingly said.
I just replied with a smile not telling him how dizzy i was.
We were about to cross the street as we walk to the internet shop so we can layout his portfolio. I car was moving really fas. Tnhedriver was probably uncertain if we would cross or not which made him think if he would pull his breaks or not. John went forward then he went backward a few steps he was pulling my hand backward as i go forward to the next side of the street and i was about to be hit by the car. Not to mention the car was obviously brand new.
I couldnt tell john that im having problems with my eyesight. I stopped wearing my glasses four years ago and stopped attending to my opthalmologist since i stopped. I was worried that it would cause too much so i decided to get rid of my glasses. But todays situation proved my great need for a new pair of glasses. Id probably look ofr a new doctor after we pay my tuition fee.
Going back, instead of having a trauma we just laughed at it. Thats the advantage of having gay people around. John is always busy but is happy, working and studying at the same time. Yup in the fashion industry he already sold his designs and built a good impression to his boss. Thats probably why his boyfreind was proud of him all along.
John is one of the popel who enjoyed having conversations with me, of course we agree on alot of stuff. We may have different beliefs but one great thing about my friend is he just makes me laugh at things instead of thinking about it over and over again.
"You bother too much dear." he always says
we finished all his tasks in approximately 45 minutes rushing here and there. Ive seen his works its just amazing, a few years from now i wont be surprised if he would become a great advertiser.
i packed his things while he fixes his paper works
we walked back to the building for my next class
"Thanks, bye na lyssa"
"Bye john"
hahah the best part is the beso-beso part hahah i dont know i just find it very comforting.
Im thankful to have John in my circle, very professional yet very unique fun what can i say? A fashion designer will always be fabulous in his or her own fashionable way.
He gave me my ticket to the Philippine fashion week. He had me as part of the guest list with my own special seat. Im really happy to have this great opportunity. Being a writer is really fun! Of cpurse i have to go to the event just incase our magazine will cover this particular event at least i would have some things to write about.
After the Philippine fashion week, id be heading straight o quezon avenue to celebrate Lola's birthday I was asked to sing and play the violin at the vent plus i might act out as the young emilia in the skit. Oh well i can imagine how tired would i be on that day. hahaha I'll commute on dress and heels! It would be one gerat adventure i must say!
The Mystery Fiddler Upstairs
I was looking for music sheets in the internet, as i study the notes in Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up" i came across a link leading me to another music sheet."Broken Vow" by Lara Fabian. Browsing the whole music sheet made me recall the Fiddler who lived at the 4th floor of the building.Lest assume that hes a lad. I've been listening tot hat fiddler ever since we lived here. Im one of the witnesses to his progress. I heard him practice from twinkle twinkle little star up to the most difficult piece he can play. He usually plays from 6pm then resumes after dinner time until eleven midnight. Most of the time i get really fascinated with his determination to perfect his slurs and fiddling. But sometimes i get irritated with it of course there are moments that he suck at his music sheets but i didnt mind. He reminded me of my dream to play the violin way back when i was still in grade 6. I didnt have my violin that time, but he just inspird me to play, even though i didnt get to meet him. He was my invisible icon and im his secret fan.
Broken vow as the last music sheet i heard from him. He played it enthusiastically, i can feel it through his fiddling. He plays it slowly, with control to the volume, His music seemed like a very sweet lullaby to my ears i couldnt remember how many nights have i fallen asleep with fascination, relaxed by his music. But after a few weeks, i saw a few men carrying furnitures from the 4th floor going to the ground floor, and at the ground floor a big truck awaits.
I never thought that i wouldnt get to hear my favorite fiddler play every night. Imiss the times wherein i cheer him up inside whenever he doesnt seem to play his slur perfectly.
After a few months i got my violin, and was hoping that someday i would get to play "broken Vow" the way he played it. I was really hoping that he could hear it and we could probably play while his on the 4th floor and im on the third. His room is probably on top of mine, because the music goes directly to my room and is louder in my room whenever he starts playing upstairs.
Im still dreaming taht we can play Canon in D i play the melody and he plays the back up part i can imagine how wonderful it would be. But everything is just only in my imagination. Ive never known any of my neighbors here aside from the nice chinese family who lived across our unit.
Now i have my own violin. im still glad that i was encouraged by this invisible fiddler.
Broken vow as the last music sheet i heard from him. He played it enthusiastically, i can feel it through his fiddling. He plays it slowly, with control to the volume, His music seemed like a very sweet lullaby to my ears i couldnt remember how many nights have i fallen asleep with fascination, relaxed by his music. But after a few weeks, i saw a few men carrying furnitures from the 4th floor going to the ground floor, and at the ground floor a big truck awaits.
I never thought that i wouldnt get to hear my favorite fiddler play every night. Imiss the times wherein i cheer him up inside whenever he doesnt seem to play his slur perfectly.
After a few months i got my violin, and was hoping that someday i would get to play "broken Vow" the way he played it. I was really hoping that he could hear it and we could probably play while his on the 4th floor and im on the third. His room is probably on top of mine, because the music goes directly to my room and is louder in my room whenever he starts playing upstairs.
Im still dreaming taht we can play Canon in D i play the melody and he plays the back up part i can imagine how wonderful it would be. But everything is just only in my imagination. Ive never known any of my neighbors here aside from the nice chinese family who lived across our unit.
Now i have my own violin. im still glad that i was encouraged by this invisible fiddler.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Right Right and my 10 wacky confessions
I had fun watching "How to train your dragon" which somewhat encouraged me to have a puppy and probably train it "the dragon way" (laughs) I grew up categorizing issues whether if its right or wrong. But as i keep walking on my own life's adventure, i realized that its possible to have a wrong in every right and right in every wrong. We live in a world full of flaws. I grew up that way, fighting for the right right or most of the time, the right in my head. But sometimes i guess life isnt about being just right or wrong.
In logic, Right vs. wrong is considered as a contrary rather than a contradictory. Being categorized as a contrary term opens all the possibilities of having a middle term. And i guess my own life experience figured out the possible term to the "Right vs. wrong" case.
Life isnt always about being right or being wrong sometimes its a matter of being right or being happy. the happy as mentioned isnt tantamount to something wrong but probably its something closer to the right right side of the statement.
being right vs. being happy hmmmm... gives me an idea that the right as mentioned doesnt necessarily mean that thr "right" there means perfectly right.. in fact it only proves that there can be a possible wrong in that right (laughs) what am i talking about? (laughs)
Well trying to be right is a tough thing i must say, i lost alotta significant people in my life because of my desperation to be right, and be right right the wrong way.
Conflicts! Do we keep arguing how right we are? or we just settle things admit how wrong we are and just be happy! (laughs)
I feel like im getting really childish recently or probably just enjoying my last two years wherein i can still be child-like whenever i want to.
Ive been experimenting on things recently, which eases the stress and which makes me happy. My natural childish ways are effective so far. Besides i really doubt that i look like an 18 year old... unless i fix myself to look like one! ^_^
I also tried doing fun and crazy things ahahah alright heres the part where I'll confess those wacky stuff ive been doing.
1.) I dance to the tune of gee, and the famous super junior imitating their steps its up to you how will you imagine me doing those funny steps
2.) I eat yogurt mixed with crushed almonds, sliced dried apricots and gummi bears (well those added ingredients were just given by mom's best friend who just arrived from Canada
3.) I sing Korean pop and Japanese Songs while taking a bath
4.) I eat a lot as in!
5.) When im home alone i pretend that im in a fashion show i put my clothes on, strike a pose and invent my own clothing line. I wear my clothing combination and take pictures of me haha
6.) I imitate Doraemon's voice (only when im alone)
7.) I pretend that im batman
8.) If i hate somebody i copy paste his or her photo in face book and play with it by the use of MS Paint
9.) I sing twinkle twinkle little star when i get so angry (like a child who sings on top of her lungs)
10.) i pretend that im a panda when i eat vegetables
In logic, Right vs. wrong is considered as a contrary rather than a contradictory. Being categorized as a contrary term opens all the possibilities of having a middle term. And i guess my own life experience figured out the possible term to the "Right vs. wrong" case.
Life isnt always about being right or being wrong sometimes its a matter of being right or being happy. the happy as mentioned isnt tantamount to something wrong but probably its something closer to the right right side of the statement.
being right vs. being happy hmmmm... gives me an idea that the right as mentioned doesnt necessarily mean that thr "right" there means perfectly right.. in fact it only proves that there can be a possible wrong in that right (laughs) what am i talking about? (laughs)
Well trying to be right is a tough thing i must say, i lost alotta significant people in my life because of my desperation to be right, and be right right the wrong way.
Conflicts! Do we keep arguing how right we are? or we just settle things admit how wrong we are and just be happy! (laughs)
I feel like im getting really childish recently or probably just enjoying my last two years wherein i can still be child-like whenever i want to.
Ive been experimenting on things recently, which eases the stress and which makes me happy. My natural childish ways are effective so far. Besides i really doubt that i look like an 18 year old... unless i fix myself to look like one! ^_^
I also tried doing fun and crazy things ahahah alright heres the part where I'll confess those wacky stuff ive been doing.
1.) I dance to the tune of gee, and the famous super junior imitating their steps its up to you how will you imagine me doing those funny steps
2.) I eat yogurt mixed with crushed almonds, sliced dried apricots and gummi bears (well those added ingredients were just given by mom's best friend who just arrived from Canada
3.) I sing Korean pop and Japanese Songs while taking a bath
4.) I eat a lot as in!
5.) When im home alone i pretend that im in a fashion show i put my clothes on, strike a pose and invent my own clothing line. I wear my clothing combination and take pictures of me haha
6.) I imitate Doraemon's voice (only when im alone)
7.) I pretend that im batman
8.) If i hate somebody i copy paste his or her photo in face book and play with it by the use of MS Paint
9.) I sing twinkle twinkle little star when i get so angry (like a child who sings on top of her lungs)
10.) i pretend that im a panda when i eat vegetables
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Its a good day
Today felt different in math class, of course it began with a wonderful conversation with Kate, my Korean classmate who seemed to love my company ever since the semester began. We became really close friends and really close competitors in seat works, exams etc. Although every now and then I have to translate everything my professor says in class especially whenever he spills jokes i have to translate the whole thing to Kate before i can laugh at it. But i dont regret doing these things for her, she very much interested with the Filipino culture and usually asks me questions that would seriously lead me to talking about Science, Philosophy etc. We always have a very open conversation that we jump from different topics from time to time, i even get to have free Korean Language lessons. and in return i stand as her translator, i help enrich her English and Filipino vocabulary. Its funny how she insists things like, she thought i was romantically attached to a schoolmate who happens to be a guy from our department, When in fact he was just asking me to help him out with the home works and schedules of activities.
She wants me to try out Korean food, Korean Noodles to be specific. And the famous Kimchi that seemed to fit almost all their dishes.
"I was surprised, how you Filipinos eat chicken with rice, in Korea chicken is treated like a side dish and is not eaten with rice."
"And why are your noodles so small?" she asked
I asked her if she eats that regularly and she said "yes many many times!" But before i tell her how unhealthy it is, she added by saying " I just put many many Kimchi in it and it tastes good!"
At the back of my head i was thinking about the instant noodles, no im pretty sure it wasnt because im hungry. The image of Korea's Cup Noodles standing beside our cup noodles here in the Philippines.
As the conversationwent on, she kept asking about the Filipino culture, traditional Filipino clothing, famous Filipino food, system of government, malls. I never wanted to talk ill about my own country but there are some aspects that i have to admit to her real things, like why most Filipinos dont seem to love their own language, Why we chose to adapt with the western culture and forgot our own.
it felt bad. Seriously.
And i believe she noticed that.
We only have 15 minutes left before dismissal.
"Class dismissed" says Prof Concepcion
"Ano yang libro na yan Ms. Mortega?" he noticed the book i have on top of my desk i wonder if it was the red paper back cover, Its probably because red was his lucky color of the day according to today's Fung Shui.(laughs)
As i handed the book to him to have him take a closer look and read the teaser he held my ID and was looking on my "Circle Magazine I.D."
"Ikaw ito hija?"
"Yes sir"
"Ka-gandang bata, o eh tungkol saan naman itong binabasa mo? Mukhang maganda ang kuwento, maganda nga ba?"
"So far sir, maganda po"
Kate was waiting beside me that time, while my professor was asking me about what happened to my math subject during the previous semesters. Hew asked us out of the classroom and asked where do i live and why was i with Kate, if we go home together? and other stuff. As we reach the staircase i just said
"Bye sir, thank you po."
"Ok bye hija"
i was surprised why our professor consulted me after class, and was interested about the book, or was it just the color?
"baka nakokonsensya lang siya dahil pinahiya niya ako sa klase dahil kumukunot yung kilay ko pag nagmemental math during discussions malas daw kasi iyon, sa pera, sa grades, sa lovelife at iba pang kamalasan daw ang mapupunta sa akin."
But i didnt take that seriously, in fact i laughed with them during that time that he publicly did that in class "ang mang okray"
I walked down the building smiling while translating what happened to Kate, she walked me to the gate, and told me that she had to wait for a friend which means i have to take it from there. again, i saw the spot where i saw the boy yesterday, the boy who begged for something to eat, i tried to look if he was there, i wonder if he would expect to see me again, at the same spot. But he wasnt there, he never had intentions of taking advantage of the goodness i showed him yesterday.
"Gusto ko pa sanang bumawe, hindi ako nag meryenda para sana bumile ng malaking Chips ahoy para sa kanya o bumile sa mcdo ng 1pc chicken meal"
But he wasnt there.
I wonder if he was happy while eating what i gave him, or if he ever thought of sharing it to his friends.
All i know is if i didnt gave him something yesterday, and waited for the next day to come, i would surely regret it for the rest of my life.
Its a good day
its a good day
She wants me to try out Korean food, Korean Noodles to be specific. And the famous Kimchi that seemed to fit almost all their dishes.
"I was surprised, how you Filipinos eat chicken with rice, in Korea chicken is treated like a side dish and is not eaten with rice."
"And why are your noodles so small?" she asked
I asked her if she eats that regularly and she said "yes many many times!" But before i tell her how unhealthy it is, she added by saying " I just put many many Kimchi in it and it tastes good!"
At the back of my head i was thinking about the instant noodles, no im pretty sure it wasnt because im hungry. The image of Korea's Cup Noodles standing beside our cup noodles here in the Philippines.
" Sa noodles pa lang talo na tayo, Sa punto pa lang na yun makikita gaano kalayo ang Korea sa atin, at sa kabilang banda kitang-kita kung gaano kaliit ang Pilipinas."
As the conversationwent on, she kept asking about the Filipino culture, traditional Filipino clothing, famous Filipino food, system of government, malls. I never wanted to talk ill about my own country but there are some aspects that i have to admit to her real things, like why most Filipinos dont seem to love their own language, Why we chose to adapt with the western culture and forgot our own.
it felt bad. Seriously.
And i believe she noticed that.
We only have 15 minutes left before dismissal.
"Class dismissed" says Prof Concepcion
"Ano yang libro na yan Ms. Mortega?" he noticed the book i have on top of my desk i wonder if it was the red paper back cover, Its probably because red was his lucky color of the day according to today's Fung Shui.(laughs)
As i handed the book to him to have him take a closer look and read the teaser he held my ID and was looking on my "Circle Magazine I.D."
"Ikaw ito hija?"
"Yes sir"
"Ka-gandang bata, o eh tungkol saan naman itong binabasa mo? Mukhang maganda ang kuwento, maganda nga ba?"
"So far sir, maganda po"
Kate was waiting beside me that time, while my professor was asking me about what happened to my math subject during the previous semesters. Hew asked us out of the classroom and asked where do i live and why was i with Kate, if we go home together? and other stuff. As we reach the staircase i just said
"Bye sir, thank you po."
"Ok bye hija"
i was surprised why our professor consulted me after class, and was interested about the book, or was it just the color?
"baka nakokonsensya lang siya dahil pinahiya niya ako sa klase dahil kumukunot yung kilay ko pag nagmemental math during discussions malas daw kasi iyon, sa pera, sa grades, sa lovelife at iba pang kamalasan daw ang mapupunta sa akin."
But i didnt take that seriously, in fact i laughed with them during that time that he publicly did that in class "ang mang okray"
I walked down the building smiling while translating what happened to Kate, she walked me to the gate, and told me that she had to wait for a friend which means i have to take it from there. again, i saw the spot where i saw the boy yesterday, the boy who begged for something to eat, i tried to look if he was there, i wonder if he would expect to see me again, at the same spot. But he wasnt there, he never had intentions of taking advantage of the goodness i showed him yesterday.
"Gusto ko pa sanang bumawe, hindi ako nag meryenda para sana bumile ng malaking Chips ahoy para sa kanya o bumile sa mcdo ng 1pc chicken meal"
But he wasnt there.
I wonder if he was happy while eating what i gave him, or if he ever thought of sharing it to his friends.
All i know is if i didnt gave him something yesterday, and waited for the next day to come, i would surely regret it for the rest of my life.
Its a good day
its a good day
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The Boy
I was walking along the streets of Morayta with my Korean friend. I walked her to where she takes her ride home. As we reach national bookstore a little boy about 7 years old if im not mistaken said: "Ate Palimos po, pang kaen ko lang po" I ignored him twice, or thrice.
Hes not the first beggar I've ever encountered, and hes not the first kid whom I've seen begging on the streets of Morayta. I went back and forth from national bookstore to seven eleven, i was too lazy to get him something, and to my surprise i only have 50 pesos in my wallet.
But it seemed that my feet has its own will, and somewhat forced me to walk towards seven eleven and look for something that would fit in a 50 peso bill not to mention i need to save 20 pesos for my ride home. I saw my favorite "Chocolate Crunchies" and so i bought it and went straight to the boy, i felt ashamed for its all i can give and its all i can afford. I was even afraid that he wouldnt take it ("may iba kasing nanlilimos na namimili pa ng gusto nila")
As i went towards him i asked "hijo gusto mo ba ng chocolate?" Then he nodded with that face thats obviously tired and hungry. As i give him the pack of chocolate crunchies, deep inside i felt ashamed telling myself
"pasensya ka na talaga hijo wala na talaga akong pera."
then he immediately said
"Thank you po ate"
As i walk away from him, i knew i made him happy, "alam ko yung binigay ko hindi pa sapat para mabusog siya"
I went off with a broken heart. I gave my best but i was frustrated with the fact that its all i can give at that time. If only i could walk from Morayta to my place i would. And spend the whole 50 peso bill for the boy.
If ever i didnt do that i might regret not doing it forever, I can choose to wait till i graduate and establish programs for the less fortunate but these lives cant wait for two more years! Thats why i chose to do whatever i can.
"Alam naman nating lahat na maraming nagugutom siguro pero kahit minsan ni hindi natin naisip magmalasakit at magbigay sa mga taong kagaya nila, na tila kinalimutan na nating lahat, at sa bawat sakuna, sila ang madals nagiging unang biktima."
I told myself that there's so many things that need to be done in the Philippines. Before i get mesmerized with other countries i would like to fix my own country first. We are so busy about work, school, getting successful, being famous, earning knowledge and all that stuff. We are so engrossed thinking about ourselves but most of the time we forget the value of the Heart. How i wish a new generation of Filipinos will rise with wisdom and a heart.
"Nawawalang saysay ang simabahan at paaralan. Dahil hindi naman natin dinadala sa lansangan ang ating mga natututunan." The real battle isnt on here, the church and the school are samples of our second place for comfort. The real battle is out there!
"Hindi ka magiging tunay na tao sa loob ng simbahan o ng paaralan" In fact these are places where we usually pretend, if not, we absorb but we dont usually use it as part of our daily routine.
Dinadaga na tayong lahat! Kung puro lang tayo talino wala tayong mapapala
Most of the time its not a question of how much you know, its actually a question of the heart.
Jose Rizal wrote: "... Life is very serious matter. It goes well only for those who have intelligence and a heart."
Hes not the first beggar I've ever encountered, and hes not the first kid whom I've seen begging on the streets of Morayta. I went back and forth from national bookstore to seven eleven, i was too lazy to get him something, and to my surprise i only have 50 pesos in my wallet.
But it seemed that my feet has its own will, and somewhat forced me to walk towards seven eleven and look for something that would fit in a 50 peso bill not to mention i need to save 20 pesos for my ride home. I saw my favorite "Chocolate Crunchies" and so i bought it and went straight to the boy, i felt ashamed for its all i can give and its all i can afford. I was even afraid that he wouldnt take it ("may iba kasing nanlilimos na namimili pa ng gusto nila")
As i went towards him i asked "hijo gusto mo ba ng chocolate?" Then he nodded with that face thats obviously tired and hungry. As i give him the pack of chocolate crunchies, deep inside i felt ashamed telling myself
"pasensya ka na talaga hijo wala na talaga akong pera."
then he immediately said
"Thank you po ate"
As i walk away from him, i knew i made him happy, "alam ko yung binigay ko hindi pa sapat para mabusog siya"
I went off with a broken heart. I gave my best but i was frustrated with the fact that its all i can give at that time. If only i could walk from Morayta to my place i would. And spend the whole 50 peso bill for the boy.
If ever i didnt do that i might regret not doing it forever, I can choose to wait till i graduate and establish programs for the less fortunate but these lives cant wait for two more years! Thats why i chose to do whatever i can.
"Alam naman nating lahat na maraming nagugutom siguro pero kahit minsan ni hindi natin naisip magmalasakit at magbigay sa mga taong kagaya nila, na tila kinalimutan na nating lahat, at sa bawat sakuna, sila ang madals nagiging unang biktima."
I told myself that there's so many things that need to be done in the Philippines. Before i get mesmerized with other countries i would like to fix my own country first. We are so busy about work, school, getting successful, being famous, earning knowledge and all that stuff. We are so engrossed thinking about ourselves but most of the time we forget the value of the Heart. How i wish a new generation of Filipinos will rise with wisdom and a heart.
"Nawawalang saysay ang simabahan at paaralan. Dahil hindi naman natin dinadala sa lansangan ang ating mga natututunan." The real battle isnt on here, the church and the school are samples of our second place for comfort. The real battle is out there!
"Hindi ka magiging tunay na tao sa loob ng simbahan o ng paaralan" In fact these are places where we usually pretend, if not, we absorb but we dont usually use it as part of our daily routine.
Dinadaga na tayong lahat! Kung puro lang tayo talino wala tayong mapapala
Most of the time its not a question of how much you know, its actually a question of the heart.
Jose Rizal wrote: "... Life is very serious matter. It goes well only for those who have intelligence and a heart."
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Assailable, odd or just different?
Being a molded clay that doesnt fit in any space isnt easy at all. Assailable, Odd, or just different.
I thought i could be the man and the woman for myself, but my thoughts just lead me to frustration, im not strong enough to play two roles at the same time. Im not discussing about gender here, its just that i wanna stand up for myself just like a man would do to a woman and vice versa. That way it would make me feel strong enough for myself to some degree. Sometimes its even easier to be strong enough for friend than being strong enough for yourself.
I've always stood up for others but never felt what its like when a dear friend would stand up for you. For so long it seemed like i treated this as a daily sadomasochism. I never regret protecting others, but as time pass by, i figured out that i keep giving people something that i never had,or worse, things i can never have. But my question is, how on earth was i capable of giving it to them if i never had it first?
Maybe its something innate, though it is innate, that doesnt necessarily mean that its bound for me, in fact its bound for others, its destiny is to be passed on, and not to be kept.
although i dont get to feel what its like to receive that innate thing, im glad that it made me significant to a number of souls. One at a time.
I thought i could be the man and the woman for myself, but my thoughts just lead me to frustration, im not strong enough to play two roles at the same time. Im not discussing about gender here, its just that i wanna stand up for myself just like a man would do to a woman and vice versa. That way it would make me feel strong enough for myself to some degree. Sometimes its even easier to be strong enough for friend than being strong enough for yourself.
I've always stood up for others but never felt what its like when a dear friend would stand up for you. For so long it seemed like i treated this as a daily sadomasochism. I never regret protecting others, but as time pass by, i figured out that i keep giving people something that i never had,or worse, things i can never have. But my question is, how on earth was i capable of giving it to them if i never had it first?
Maybe its something innate, though it is innate, that doesnt necessarily mean that its bound for me, in fact its bound for others, its destiny is to be passed on, and not to be kept.
although i dont get to feel what its like to receive that innate thing, im glad that it made me significant to a number of souls. One at a time.
Monday, April 26, 2010
It wouldnt have been a wonderful ending.
I was about to die the other day, it was a critical asthma attack, but it happened many times already. But last Saturday night was different. I was close to death so many times but last Saturday night was a proof that not even the king of underworld can take my life away, its not his in the first place. It was difficult but i wasnt so afraid at all. In fact its the reason why i do a lot of things at this point and time. That asthma attack can happen anytime, anywhere it could even be worse than what happened last Saturday. Who knows tomorrow could be my last, but just in case it is, I wouldnt want to leave earth with regrets.
Even the simplest thing on earth can trigger the same asthma attack, the truth is its because i inhaled smoke while fixing the tents outside, my mistake was, i didnt tell anybody immediately that i was having a hard time breathing already. A meetingw as about to begin i was even talking to Pastor Eryche about the piglet stuffed toy in the pocket of my pajama he asked me
"Why do you have piglet with you, cant you sleep without piglet?"
"No Pastor, its part of my fashion statement" then the women behind us started to laugh with what i said.
And so, thats how it all started. I tried to signal Julie but she cant understand what i was trying to tell her and so i went to her immediately and told her that i couldnt breathe I was crying in pain that night, i was with Julie, a dear friend who happens to be a licensed nurse. She was asking me to take a spoonful of sugar to make my allergy subside. But i cant barely open my mouth, i cant even drink water. All i know is that i couldnt express how painful it was, but i was crying in pain. Until Julie decided to rush me to the hospital. What made the situation worse was we are at Boso-boso Antipolo, and there are no hospitals near the place, were at the mountains and Kuya Ferds was driving really fast, he was beeping the car 5 times ina row beside him was kuya X shouting "pasensya na ho emergency kasi, pakitabi lang po!!" just to help me get to the nearest hospital possible. I was about to throw up inside Pastor Reuel's "Pajey" (Pajero) for about 6 times but fortunately i was able to avoid it. It took almost or more than an hour before we found a hospital which is at masinag (if im not mistaken) when we got to the hospital, the nurse immediately went to us and checked my blood pressure and other stuff,tehyre telling me that i look really bad that night, the allergy is not only within my system but it even shows marks in my skin beginning with my face. The nurse advised us to buy antihistamine to make the allergy subside, i was seriously afraid of the injection but i didnt have a choice, i cant speak anyway. And so i took it, it took effect in a few minutes and made me feel dizzy especially during the time that i was using the nebulizer (inhaler)afterwards i woke up because it felt uncomfortable sitting while sleeping with a tube on in my mouth. The moment i tried saying "Ate Julie" i threw up its a good thing she was holding a plastic bag that time and i threw up disgusting stuff from my stomach (laughs) i threw up alot i felt like i threw up everything i ate the whole day. After she threw the plastic bag she asked me to rest on her shoulder while i was using the nebulizer.
After a while, i was discharged from the hospital i fell asleep on our way home, when we went back to Boso-boso, Antipolo a kid told me thatiw asnt aloud to stay at the tent, so i went in the cabin i i was too groggy to understand what the kids are telling me that night until i saw someone pointing the long bench with a neat sheet prepared for me i fell there directly and went to sleep. Some were looking at me while sleeping that night, (laughs) and now i cant hide anything from them, they know how i sleep (laughs) People are telling Julie " Ang likot matulog ng pasyente mo doc" to be followed by their laughs. They even noticed where my blanket was, where my piglet stuffed toy fell and while theyre having fun looking at me im totally unaware of what im doing, if i snored or if i spoke while sleeping. Well, i odnt wanna think about it (laughs) im still under medication up until now, this also requires me to maintain my vitamins and other daily supplements i need. To be honest, this isnt the only sickness i have, there are around 6 more and the bad thing about it is that, i wont recover from it anymore, but it can be controlled with the help of medicine and good diet.
People are having fun that day, but if ever i died that night, it wouldntve been a wonderful ending.
If ever i died that night, I'll miss giving gummy candies,skyflakes and oreos to beggars at U-belt whether in jeeps or at the streets, i do it once or twice a week, giving up my budget for lunch for the less fortunate people just so i could give them something. I'll miss being hugged by the kids at hillcrest especially my fellow youth members in church.
to sum up everything, im just glad, it wasnt my last.
Even the simplest thing on earth can trigger the same asthma attack, the truth is its because i inhaled smoke while fixing the tents outside, my mistake was, i didnt tell anybody immediately that i was having a hard time breathing already. A meetingw as about to begin i was even talking to Pastor Eryche about the piglet stuffed toy in the pocket of my pajama he asked me
"Why do you have piglet with you, cant you sleep without piglet?"
"No Pastor, its part of my fashion statement" then the women behind us started to laugh with what i said.
And so, thats how it all started. I tried to signal Julie but she cant understand what i was trying to tell her and so i went to her immediately and told her that i couldnt breathe I was crying in pain that night, i was with Julie, a dear friend who happens to be a licensed nurse. She was asking me to take a spoonful of sugar to make my allergy subside. But i cant barely open my mouth, i cant even drink water. All i know is that i couldnt express how painful it was, but i was crying in pain. Until Julie decided to rush me to the hospital. What made the situation worse was we are at Boso-boso Antipolo, and there are no hospitals near the place, were at the mountains and Kuya Ferds was driving really fast, he was beeping the car 5 times ina row beside him was kuya X shouting "pasensya na ho emergency kasi, pakitabi lang po!!" just to help me get to the nearest hospital possible. I was about to throw up inside Pastor Reuel's "Pajey" (Pajero) for about 6 times but fortunately i was able to avoid it. It took almost or more than an hour before we found a hospital which is at masinag (if im not mistaken) when we got to the hospital, the nurse immediately went to us and checked my blood pressure and other stuff,tehyre telling me that i look really bad that night, the allergy is not only within my system but it even shows marks in my skin beginning with my face. The nurse advised us to buy antihistamine to make the allergy subside, i was seriously afraid of the injection but i didnt have a choice, i cant speak anyway. And so i took it, it took effect in a few minutes and made me feel dizzy especially during the time that i was using the nebulizer (inhaler)afterwards i woke up because it felt uncomfortable sitting while sleeping with a tube on in my mouth. The moment i tried saying "Ate Julie" i threw up its a good thing she was holding a plastic bag that time and i threw up disgusting stuff from my stomach (laughs) i threw up alot i felt like i threw up everything i ate the whole day. After she threw the plastic bag she asked me to rest on her shoulder while i was using the nebulizer.
After a while, i was discharged from the hospital i fell asleep on our way home, when we went back to Boso-boso, Antipolo a kid told me thatiw asnt aloud to stay at the tent, so i went in the cabin i i was too groggy to understand what the kids are telling me that night until i saw someone pointing the long bench with a neat sheet prepared for me i fell there directly and went to sleep. Some were looking at me while sleeping that night, (laughs) and now i cant hide anything from them, they know how i sleep (laughs) People are telling Julie " Ang likot matulog ng pasyente mo doc" to be followed by their laughs. They even noticed where my blanket was, where my piglet stuffed toy fell and while theyre having fun looking at me im totally unaware of what im doing, if i snored or if i spoke while sleeping. Well, i odnt wanna think about it (laughs) im still under medication up until now, this also requires me to maintain my vitamins and other daily supplements i need. To be honest, this isnt the only sickness i have, there are around 6 more and the bad thing about it is that, i wont recover from it anymore, but it can be controlled with the help of medicine and good diet.
People are having fun that day, but if ever i died that night, it wouldntve been a wonderful ending.
If ever i died that night, I'll miss giving gummy candies,skyflakes and oreos to beggars at U-belt whether in jeeps or at the streets, i do it once or twice a week, giving up my budget for lunch for the less fortunate people just so i could give them something. I'll miss being hugged by the kids at hillcrest especially my fellow youth members in church.
to sum up everything, im just glad, it wasnt my last.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Ikaw anong gagawin mo?
Imagine a scenario wherein you accidentally ate a bad pasta or whatever food you can think of (with sauce ha) and then suddenly it made you run into the washroom, then you figured out that theres no water and no tissue paper in the washroom. And the worse thing is an earthquake suddenly occured while youre in the washroom.Oh and take note that the setting is in a mall. What will you do?
(laughs) Well that was just an illustration of whats going on in me. I just made it in a wacky and wild way. Because a sad post would cause me to take another pain reliever today which isnt actually a good idea, ive been very dependent to my pain relievers recently. And so i thought laughing could be a better remedy to my chest pains.
suddenly i forgot about what i should type next because i already cracked my sad momentum (laughs)
(laughs) Well that was just an illustration of whats going on in me. I just made it in a wacky and wild way. Because a sad post would cause me to take another pain reliever today which isnt actually a good idea, ive been very dependent to my pain relievers recently. And so i thought laughing could be a better remedy to my chest pains.
suddenly i forgot about what i should type next because i already cracked my sad momentum (laughs)
Hogwash
It was just recently when i realized how far life is from colors.You cant choose to have a pigment of two or more colors. Theres a wide spectrum of colors that you'd like to choose from but sometimes, the situation just boils down to making us choose either black or white
In terms of logic life is more of a contradictory idea than a contrary idea. Contradictory ideas closes all the possibilities of having a middle ground. But in life, theres no such thing as "middle ground" Its either LIfe or Death, Heaven or Hell,Eternal Life or Eternal Pain.
No matter how we try to impose or implement a "middle ground" life just works that way. Nowadays we even play with God's creation of DNA and yet we consider this as progress. Progress of the human mind, progress of the human race, progress of this generation. But in my point of view, this is nothing but hogwash.
In terms of logic life is more of a contradictory idea than a contrary idea. Contradictory ideas closes all the possibilities of having a middle ground. But in life, theres no such thing as "middle ground" Its either LIfe or Death, Heaven or Hell,Eternal Life or Eternal Pain.
No matter how we try to impose or implement a "middle ground" life just works that way. Nowadays we even play with God's creation of DNA and yet we consider this as progress. Progress of the human mind, progress of the human race, progress of this generation. But in my point of view, this is nothing but hogwash.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Money I HATE YOU!
I had a fun exhausting week, everyday i attend my classes from 7:3o in the morning up to 1:30 in the afternoon. Afterwards, i go straight to work from 1:30 in the afternoon up to 5:00pm i work as a writer for the institute's magazine, Its a good thing that i get to have my own space in the office, i get to use a computer for work and also for updating my facebook account. We are not paid by cash though but we get free lunch, which is a good thing for me. Just incase my parents would cut my allowance (which they did for a couple of days instead of 150 pesos per day i was only given 40-50 pesos which is only good enough for the fair on my way to school and on my way back home) at least id get to have free lunch each day, its just that i have to work for it. But im having fun at work to some degree i think its actually better than staying at home.
For some reason, i love my work, i love it because im not paid by cash. Eversince we had our small business,all i can hear from the mouths of my parents is money, and the business stuff they do, the problems and conflicts. I understand the fact that they have to work. But whenever i tell mom that i had a perfect score in math class the other day she would answer me back by saying "Kulang kaya tong dadalhin kong pambili ng orders?" Everytime this happens i shrink from being an 18 year old to being a child. sometimes i feel like my mom has lost her five senses, common sense,sense and sensibility. (laughs) My parents work hard but i find it ironic because i dont get to eat sometimes, if not i have to settle for noodles and canned craps in the cupboard. Theres No doubt ive got alot of sickness. and everytime my body resistence weakens my mom will be forced to buy me antibiotic which caused 200pesos per tablet nad i have to take that for three weeks twice a day so imagine 200 multiplied by 21 (for 21 days) and all they can tell me is that they dont gain anything from me "Wala kaming konsuelo de bobo sayo" and everytime i hear that,i study hard,i work, i do something productive not for them but to keep myself from believing that i am worthless.
Most of the time mom gets really hot tempered in the business money matters and all that crap she does. This is probably why i hate money, well i need money for a living but i dont realy like having much. Its too powerful that it morphed my parents into monsters (laughs). Hopefully it wouldnt drive my life in the near future. Living in a simple place, with a cute puppy like a mongrel is my ideal lifestyle. Others thought its a melancholic lifestyle but i see it in a different way. The simpler, the better. ^_^
For some reason, i love my work, i love it because im not paid by cash. Eversince we had our small business,all i can hear from the mouths of my parents is money, and the business stuff they do, the problems and conflicts. I understand the fact that they have to work. But whenever i tell mom that i had a perfect score in math class the other day she would answer me back by saying "Kulang kaya tong dadalhin kong pambili ng orders?" Everytime this happens i shrink from being an 18 year old to being a child. sometimes i feel like my mom has lost her five senses, common sense,sense and sensibility. (laughs) My parents work hard but i find it ironic because i dont get to eat sometimes, if not i have to settle for noodles and canned craps in the cupboard. Theres No doubt ive got alot of sickness. and everytime my body resistence weakens my mom will be forced to buy me antibiotic which caused 200pesos per tablet nad i have to take that for three weeks twice a day so imagine 200 multiplied by 21 (for 21 days) and all they can tell me is that they dont gain anything from me "Wala kaming konsuelo de bobo sayo" and everytime i hear that,i study hard,i work, i do something productive not for them but to keep myself from believing that i am worthless.
Most of the time mom gets really hot tempered in the business money matters and all that crap she does. This is probably why i hate money, well i need money for a living but i dont realy like having much. Its too powerful that it morphed my parents into monsters (laughs). Hopefully it wouldnt drive my life in the near future. Living in a simple place, with a cute puppy like a mongrel is my ideal lifestyle. Others thought its a melancholic lifestyle but i see it in a different way. The simpler, the better. ^_^
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Before Summer Classes Begin
My geek days are fast approaching, ill be wearing the same uniform by next week, and will be stuck for math and philosophy subject for three hours each day. Philosophy is bearable but math?!
Anyway, im enjoying the summer despite my uptight schedule. I received a text message after posting my "because i love her so" blog entry the other day. hahhaa not everything in blogs are real i just wrote that post because it just crashed into my head at that very moment.
I couldnt stay infront of the pc any longer my medicine is starting to take effect. I should sleep now i guess
Anyway, im enjoying the summer despite my uptight schedule. I received a text message after posting my "because i love her so" blog entry the other day. hahhaa not everything in blogs are real i just wrote that post because it just crashed into my head at that very moment.
I couldnt stay infront of the pc any longer my medicine is starting to take effect. I should sleep now i guess
Thursday, April 8, 2010
So that no one would know
I was at work the other day i spent most of the day working in the office. i was somewhat frustrated with the article i made and the person whom im supposed to interview but sent me an ambiguous file instead. Im spending the rest of the summer working with two more side lines plus my summer classes which will surely begin by next week.
I was helping out my co workers with an interview about a student who did a great job in the Philippine Fashion Industry then suddenly i was informed about what happened to a dear friend. One of my co workers told me "kasi naman bat naghiwa-hiwalay pa kayo tignan mo nangyayare sakanila nung nalayo sayo?" That co- worker sees me as a good influence to other students ("akala lang niya matino ako, di lang niya alam i used to be a wacko") But people are probably convinced with how i work and class standing, how i negotiate with different people.(wag lang topaken)and how i handle tasks.
Going back, i got separated from that friend due to different schedules, but they always see me as a confidant since we started having good conversations, I got extremely busy and they dont see me often at school, so i felt like its my fault to some degree, it shouldnt have happened if i was there. But i believe that scandalous thing he did took place on its own time and it will probably leave a moral lesson to him in time. If i wasnt careful enough i couldve been a victim too during the time that we had a meeting at his place, and i was the first to arrive.
I remember one time we were eating frozen cereal at the tech building food court then suddenly he blurted out that he just figured out that i was cute (daw sino bang niloko niya eh ang bangag bangag ko ni hindi ako nagsuklay) and that he likes me. I smiled and said "oh well i guess admiration is normal" i figured that i startled him by the reaction i gave him i saw him just staring at the white spoon quietly for a few seconds. I knew i succesfully broke the momentum. But i was too focused with chewing the gummy bears in my cereal. I wonder, if ever i gave him the chance when he told me that he liked me, i wonder if that scandalous thing he did with another man wouldnt have happened. But that would be too risky on my part. And that idea wont be a highly recommended solution. and now he doesnt know that i was told about what he did. Hes still my friend of course, no matter what happened no matter what he did how i wish i could help him. Hes now carrying that big mistake deep within him, hiding the truth from everybody, trying to keep a mask so that no one would know.
so that no one would know.
I was helping out my co workers with an interview about a student who did a great job in the Philippine Fashion Industry then suddenly i was informed about what happened to a dear friend. One of my co workers told me "kasi naman bat naghiwa-hiwalay pa kayo tignan mo nangyayare sakanila nung nalayo sayo?" That co- worker sees me as a good influence to other students ("akala lang niya matino ako, di lang niya alam i used to be a wacko") But people are probably convinced with how i work and class standing, how i negotiate with different people.(wag lang topaken)and how i handle tasks.
Going back, i got separated from that friend due to different schedules, but they always see me as a confidant since we started having good conversations, I got extremely busy and they dont see me often at school, so i felt like its my fault to some degree, it shouldnt have happened if i was there. But i believe that scandalous thing he did took place on its own time and it will probably leave a moral lesson to him in time. If i wasnt careful enough i couldve been a victim too during the time that we had a meeting at his place, and i was the first to arrive.
I remember one time we were eating frozen cereal at the tech building food court then suddenly he blurted out that he just figured out that i was cute (daw sino bang niloko niya eh ang bangag bangag ko ni hindi ako nagsuklay) and that he likes me. I smiled and said "oh well i guess admiration is normal" i figured that i startled him by the reaction i gave him i saw him just staring at the white spoon quietly for a few seconds. I knew i succesfully broke the momentum. But i was too focused with chewing the gummy bears in my cereal. I wonder, if ever i gave him the chance when he told me that he liked me, i wonder if that scandalous thing he did with another man wouldnt have happened. But that would be too risky on my part. And that idea wont be a highly recommended solution. and now he doesnt know that i was told about what he did. Hes still my friend of course, no matter what happened no matter what he did how i wish i could help him. Hes now carrying that big mistake deep within him, hiding the truth from everybody, trying to keep a mask so that no one would know.
so that no one would know.
Because i love her so
i hugged her today, and the feeling is just unexplainable. Probably because i love her so, oblivious of what other people might say, i still love her for who she is especially with the fact that she is a "she". Probably because she has always been there despite my unbearable attitude. Or probably because she causes me to smile whenever i feel like i cant,or, its probably because i decided to refuse all men who dared to ask. I swore not to fall for any other human being, for i know she would not dare fail me and she would surely understand. The world expects me to grow old with a man, but id rather choose to grow old with her instead. I refused to go with so many people because i love her so. She never failed me though i failed her. and the only thing i can do is to be with her forever.
The next thing i know, i was just talking to myself. The "she" is an invisible character, i guess, ive been loving fiction too much!
The next thing i know, i was just talking to myself. The "she" is an invisible character, i guess, ive been loving fiction too much!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
1.25 General Average!
i just had my grades today. I got 1.25 as my total average for this semester i never had a grade below 1.75 this semester. I got two one flats in two subjects. Most are around 1.25. I had a long jump form last semester's general average which is around 2.17 and now i got 1.25.
Its fun to see the skeptics watching my progress, but i didnt strive to prove them that thyre all wrong. In fact the number one skeptic was myself and there are alot more. They always thought that id be insecure for not having much, for going to a university with a not so good environment, for not taking a course that has a sure shot destination.
I really jumped in this course forgetting about job, money and all that stuff all i know is that this is really what i wanna do!
i was about to cry after seeing my card this morning. I had a short recall on what others told me about my school and about my course, even my relatives laughed at me. To them it was like i was preparing myself to living a life thats bound for hunger.
I viewed these skeptics as encouragements to me without them, i wouldnt be the woman i am now. Well i dont have much to brag about to tell you the truth, especially with myself and with who i am, ive got nothing but faith in my pockets, each day i go to school.
Going back, their pessimistic views added spice to my interest it gave me more reasons to love the challenge. The truth is, i can take up any course i want, with the skills i have, i can pursue medicine,mass communication, education (sped) or law or other courses that typical achievers take. But hey who says fine arts cant be "high fliers" (laughs).
i fell for fine arts so much that i would whole heartedly forget about eating lunch and spend my allowance for a canvass for the next major subject. I used to keep a stored value card so that just incase i lose my money i could still go home. I walk from Morayta to Recto LRT station and when i get to the station nearest to my place i walk from that place to my house in high heels i go home with a grumbling stomach and aching feet but all i can think about is that its all worth it. But of course this doesnt happen everyday! (laughs).
i strive not because im a grade conscious person, i strive because i want to reassure my parents that their hardships are not in vain, im not wasting their money and i chose a school that doesnt cause too much well compared to other universities mine is really a mid class. I even checked the process and rates of the payment before i decided to go to feu its even a bonus that its only increase is 3 percent annually. I just made sure that my parents wont be pressured of paying 20k as down payment in fact we only pay 8,500 as down payment, stuff like that.
I can hardly remember when my sister goes to Ateneo and i study at School of St. Anthony which actually caused much too. Imagine we eat one kind of meal for the whole month. We experienced having tocino for the whole month.
breakfast
lunch
dinner
= tocino, next month well have daing,next month diningding only would malunggay in it stuff like that.
My parents are getting old and their body would most certainly require something healthy so i guess my mid class tuition fee would give them better opportunities to buy the food they need. i wouldnt want them to sacrifice even that only for my tuition fee. Plus we have to pay for the rent of our place which caused 13,500 every month its easy if we had much money but thats not the way things are we really survive through faith each day, each month, every year.
so these are just a few reasons why i chose to enter my university. Its really about my mom and dad and not myself. i wanna make them proud for having me, i wanna make them feel lucky in a way. I wanna prove myself that im not useless and that i can make people happy through my small actions. Despite my unethical behavior and problematic personality.
This is all i can do to make up for breaking their hearts too many times.
my 1.25 is actually a "thank you for believing in me while others don't" note to my parents.
My imagination can never fathom what God really is doing, He saw every single thing ive been through, all i know is that ive been witnessing God's unconditional love since i decided to just let go of my excess baggage to Him. and now He kept doing great things to me.
I still have hope!! People like me still have hope!!! Its the best thing ive ever discovered today!!!
Its fun to see the skeptics watching my progress, but i didnt strive to prove them that thyre all wrong. In fact the number one skeptic was myself and there are alot more. They always thought that id be insecure for not having much, for going to a university with a not so good environment, for not taking a course that has a sure shot destination.
I really jumped in this course forgetting about job, money and all that stuff all i know is that this is really what i wanna do!
i was about to cry after seeing my card this morning. I had a short recall on what others told me about my school and about my course, even my relatives laughed at me. To them it was like i was preparing myself to living a life thats bound for hunger.
I viewed these skeptics as encouragements to me without them, i wouldnt be the woman i am now. Well i dont have much to brag about to tell you the truth, especially with myself and with who i am, ive got nothing but faith in my pockets, each day i go to school.
Going back, their pessimistic views added spice to my interest it gave me more reasons to love the challenge. The truth is, i can take up any course i want, with the skills i have, i can pursue medicine,mass communication, education (sped) or law or other courses that typical achievers take. But hey who says fine arts cant be "high fliers" (laughs).
i fell for fine arts so much that i would whole heartedly forget about eating lunch and spend my allowance for a canvass for the next major subject. I used to keep a stored value card so that just incase i lose my money i could still go home. I walk from Morayta to Recto LRT station and when i get to the station nearest to my place i walk from that place to my house in high heels i go home with a grumbling stomach and aching feet but all i can think about is that its all worth it. But of course this doesnt happen everyday! (laughs).
i strive not because im a grade conscious person, i strive because i want to reassure my parents that their hardships are not in vain, im not wasting their money and i chose a school that doesnt cause too much well compared to other universities mine is really a mid class. I even checked the process and rates of the payment before i decided to go to feu its even a bonus that its only increase is 3 percent annually. I just made sure that my parents wont be pressured of paying 20k as down payment in fact we only pay 8,500 as down payment, stuff like that.
I can hardly remember when my sister goes to Ateneo and i study at School of St. Anthony which actually caused much too. Imagine we eat one kind of meal for the whole month. We experienced having tocino for the whole month.
breakfast
lunch
dinner
= tocino, next month well have daing,next month diningding only would malunggay in it stuff like that.
My parents are getting old and their body would most certainly require something healthy so i guess my mid class tuition fee would give them better opportunities to buy the food they need. i wouldnt want them to sacrifice even that only for my tuition fee. Plus we have to pay for the rent of our place which caused 13,500 every month its easy if we had much money but thats not the way things are we really survive through faith each day, each month, every year.
so these are just a few reasons why i chose to enter my university. Its really about my mom and dad and not myself. i wanna make them proud for having me, i wanna make them feel lucky in a way. I wanna prove myself that im not useless and that i can make people happy through my small actions. Despite my unethical behavior and problematic personality.
This is all i can do to make up for breaking their hearts too many times.
my 1.25 is actually a "thank you for believing in me while others don't" note to my parents.
My imagination can never fathom what God really is doing, He saw every single thing ive been through, all i know is that ive been witnessing God's unconditional love since i decided to just let go of my excess baggage to Him. and now He kept doing great things to me.
I still have hope!! People like me still have hope!!! Its the best thing ive ever discovered today!!!
Monday, April 5, 2010
The death of another free ticket
i woke up today and saw a great message in my phone. It was Jess offering me tickets to the clash of the titans at the podium tonight at 7:30 pm of course I've got time and i deserve a night out. Jess was the same ol friend who offered me a free ticket for the killers concert which was postponed for the next year. I would love to watch at the podium tonight, i cant get back to sleep at this very moment thinking about that ticket, but since its quite far from my place and id most probably be home late if id go i decided to turn it down. I was even more worried with the conflict i had with the others who would most probably be there.
i should reconsider what will mu parents say about this (but of course they would disapprove due to the time and distance of the place where the movie will be held) and also the fresh conflict darn, i should consider all that oh well, i wouldnt want to see any of their frowning faces
going back, i missed another ticket again, oh well i can watch the clash of the titans on a cinema on a different schedule, but seriously id love to see "how to train your dragon" first i find it really cute hahahah i dont mind watching it alone for that reason. Im having a picture of how cute the dragon is ^_^ (laughs). And so instead of mourning about the death of the clash of the titans free ticket im now looking forward to watch how to train your dragon ^_^ i know its kinda childish but, SO WHAT?! ^_^
i should reconsider what will mu parents say about this (but of course they would disapprove due to the time and distance of the place where the movie will be held) and also the fresh conflict darn, i should consider all that oh well, i wouldnt want to see any of their frowning faces
going back, i missed another ticket again, oh well i can watch the clash of the titans on a cinema on a different schedule, but seriously id love to see "how to train your dragon" first i find it really cute hahahah i dont mind watching it alone for that reason. Im having a picture of how cute the dragon is ^_^ (laughs). And so instead of mourning about the death of the clash of the titans free ticket im now looking forward to watch how to train your dragon ^_^ i know its kinda childish but, SO WHAT?! ^_^
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Mom's cold shoulder
Its been a long day. in fact, a long week for me, this is my first and last week of relaxation. I spent the week moving from one place to another, San Mateo, for a few days, The church, then spent a night at my house, then san mateo again, then straight to cavite for a grand reunion, then san mateo again then the next day i went straight to my house then to church. Mom invited my cousin to come over to assist them with the projects we have, business stuff. I was very excited to tell them how my week has been hes being paid daily. During this week, even though im not at home, i call mom and dad in between updating them with stuff, mom always sounded like she hated that i left, not that she misses me but because nobody does the chores at home, and she wants me to assist them with the business.
Its not that im too lazy or i dont wanna help out, i chose to stay with lola at san mateo during this week because i wanna spend time with her while i can. Shes turning 90 this May and is actually preparing her "death outfit" which clearly explains that shes expecting it anytime and is ready anytime. Im aware with the family conflicts but then its not enough reason to keep me away from grandma, nobody can bring back time so i wanna spend a part of it with her.
On the other hand, mom's giving me a cold shoulder, i know i need to do things here at home, and that i should learn how the business works because i will be taking it over soon. But with all the stress i had this past semester i think a week of spending my time in ways that i want it spent would not be so bad. Whats a week anyway.
And so i got home, i saw my cousin and moom has been indirectly telling me how a great help my cousin is and how useless i am "wala kaming maasahan sa'yo" a more harsh version would be "wala kaming konsuelo de bobo sa'yo" which i usually hear, and everytime this happens,i weep of course in my room just to let it out. And condition myself just to let it go and not cause any conflict anymore. I could be wrong for being too busy, but then when im free they dont give me things to do regarding the business and so i tend to fill in my schedule with something else. But instead of insisting whats their flaw, instead i try to make a little self check first and try to figure out where have i gone wrong? Another problem is taht ill be taking summer classes beginning this week which actually requires me to focus, especially in my math subject.
And so im kinda stuck with the fact that im useless. Mom delivered it indirectly in a cold but calm way which actually gave me a vivid picture of her sarcasm. This has been going on for years, mom makes me feel like somebody else can take my place whenever i fail, i wonder if ever i failed as a daughter, i wonder if i would have a replacement. This is probably why i grew up goal oriented, filled with philosophies of perfectionists thinking that "There is actually no room for failing" Im not good in everything i do but at least i begin by knowing how and is always open for constructive criticisms and improvement. anyway, instead of being bitter im trying to condition myself in accepting the fact that if i fail at anything mom can actually find someone to take my place and who can probably do better than me. But my sister never had this kind of treatment in fact mom always understands her and her excuses whether its substantial or not. In my case its different. and so this is how i got myself in front of my pc and blog about what i feel again.
I just asked for this week to enjoy, but i guess i dont have an option but to try to enjoy what im supposed to do. A friend told me, that ive gone too mature so early in life that i missed alot during my childhood. and my childish whims actually begs for my attention at this point and time of my life. Its hard. So early in life i have to think about business plus academics. Politics plus church responsibilities, help out people who need somebody to talk to, most of the time kids see me as their confidant and being their confidant just drives me closer to their warm hugs and pretty smiles. The truth is i would love to play Barbie with a kid whenever id get to have the chance.
Once again today reminds me of how melancholic my temperament is and how depressing it is to be me. Malling, drinking coffee, watching movies alone is not always such a good thing. and the pressure follows me everywhere. And the pressure,its too much. Having a cousin who happens to be a scientist, a niece who invented a trash bin with wi-fi at the age of 14 or was it 13? im really not sure but then its surely below 15. A sister whos a half scholar in one of the most prestigious universities in the country. All these happened because we are raised to create a drastic change in the country, achieve something extraordinary but im not there yet, im a no match as of now I really dont know where God would take me but i wanna be something too.
How i wish i would be useful even for just a day or at least be significant, at home at least. I feel like im a disposable utensil, how i wish id be something, someday. I wouldnt want to hear the same statement from my parents again. If ever i would, i just pray that id be immune with those statements, There can never be a room for too much depression. No, not now.
Its not that im too lazy or i dont wanna help out, i chose to stay with lola at san mateo during this week because i wanna spend time with her while i can. Shes turning 90 this May and is actually preparing her "death outfit" which clearly explains that shes expecting it anytime and is ready anytime. Im aware with the family conflicts but then its not enough reason to keep me away from grandma, nobody can bring back time so i wanna spend a part of it with her.
On the other hand, mom's giving me a cold shoulder, i know i need to do things here at home, and that i should learn how the business works because i will be taking it over soon. But with all the stress i had this past semester i think a week of spending my time in ways that i want it spent would not be so bad. Whats a week anyway.
And so i got home, i saw my cousin and moom has been indirectly telling me how a great help my cousin is and how useless i am "wala kaming maasahan sa'yo" a more harsh version would be "wala kaming konsuelo de bobo sa'yo" which i usually hear, and everytime this happens,i weep of course in my room just to let it out. And condition myself just to let it go and not cause any conflict anymore. I could be wrong for being too busy, but then when im free they dont give me things to do regarding the business and so i tend to fill in my schedule with something else. But instead of insisting whats their flaw, instead i try to make a little self check first and try to figure out where have i gone wrong? Another problem is taht ill be taking summer classes beginning this week which actually requires me to focus, especially in my math subject.
And so im kinda stuck with the fact that im useless. Mom delivered it indirectly in a cold but calm way which actually gave me a vivid picture of her sarcasm. This has been going on for years, mom makes me feel like somebody else can take my place whenever i fail, i wonder if ever i failed as a daughter, i wonder if i would have a replacement. This is probably why i grew up goal oriented, filled with philosophies of perfectionists thinking that "There is actually no room for failing" Im not good in everything i do but at least i begin by knowing how and is always open for constructive criticisms and improvement. anyway, instead of being bitter im trying to condition myself in accepting the fact that if i fail at anything mom can actually find someone to take my place and who can probably do better than me. But my sister never had this kind of treatment in fact mom always understands her and her excuses whether its substantial or not. In my case its different. and so this is how i got myself in front of my pc and blog about what i feel again.
I just asked for this week to enjoy, but i guess i dont have an option but to try to enjoy what im supposed to do. A friend told me, that ive gone too mature so early in life that i missed alot during my childhood. and my childish whims actually begs for my attention at this point and time of my life. Its hard. So early in life i have to think about business plus academics. Politics plus church responsibilities, help out people who need somebody to talk to, most of the time kids see me as their confidant and being their confidant just drives me closer to their warm hugs and pretty smiles. The truth is i would love to play Barbie with a kid whenever id get to have the chance.
Once again today reminds me of how melancholic my temperament is and how depressing it is to be me. Malling, drinking coffee, watching movies alone is not always such a good thing. and the pressure follows me everywhere. And the pressure,its too much. Having a cousin who happens to be a scientist, a niece who invented a trash bin with wi-fi at the age of 14 or was it 13? im really not sure but then its surely below 15. A sister whos a half scholar in one of the most prestigious universities in the country. All these happened because we are raised to create a drastic change in the country, achieve something extraordinary but im not there yet, im a no match as of now I really dont know where God would take me but i wanna be something too.
How i wish i would be useful even for just a day or at least be significant, at home at least. I feel like im a disposable utensil, how i wish id be something, someday. I wouldnt want to hear the same statement from my parents again. If ever i would, i just pray that id be immune with those statements, There can never be a room for too much depression. No, not now.
Friday, April 2, 2010
sweet=soggy
I had fun today, a live sketching program was held at church. i was the only gal in the group. the rest of the artists were men. before i the show starts had a short talk with Mr.Z (lets just put a name tag on them) The other one was Mr.Y whom i had a great conversation after the live sketch. Mr. Y is friendly we had a spontaneous conversation about our courses unfortunately he had to stop due to financial problems but then i still try to give him encouragement. While on the other hand Mr.Z is obviously trying to make his way to get my number. He offered his phone number though telling me so that we could swap text messages i just smiled and said
"facebook nalang."
and so after we opened our facebook accounts in the study room where the computers are available for use, they left. obviously Mr.Z never succeeded in getting my mobile number. Nothings wrong with being friendly but something tells me that being to lenient wont be a very good idea. And so i decided to be on guard giving Mr. Z the impression that im not letting him to go overboard.
After the band practice iw ent home seeing both of them online on facebook Mr.Y is a good friend, very interested with art technicalities and stuff while on the other hand Mr. Z startled me by saying
"Hi cute!"
which isnt really a very good start for me. call me judge mental but as i continue chatting with Mr.Z at this very moment hes expressing his total admiration for me di say hes one typical guy. A typical would probably start with those fluttery words gives you the stare asks for your name and number then asks you out. oh yeah and thats what he was. But sorry dude im not a give away.
I tried to call him "dude" to give him the "pare" impression but it didnt work, I called him bro but he just threw it back to me by calling me sis (pilosopo) as we go on the conversation im slowly making him feel my complete disapproval to the sweetness he offers and by the way that tactic is just so "old school" weve been talking for almost an hour now and im like waiting for us to start talking about ideas, theories, a debate would probably be very interesting but then i cant force him though so i just go with the flow. He kept going on this sweety sweety stuff which actually seemed soggy to me i mean,its a bit annoying but then "kailangan makisama"
Then suddenly a big question popped out of my head
"Cant men get a girl fair and square nowadays?!!!!"
and when i comes to women "Anu ba, ilaban mo naman!" dont just give in, but instead try to scrutinize if the guy speaks with substance, not just aims to flatter you.
hyy i was just surprised about this incident, i was too engrossed with politics, school,music orgs and stuff i feel like its been so long since i last turned down a guy hahahah (evil laugh)
"facebook nalang."
and so after we opened our facebook accounts in the study room where the computers are available for use, they left. obviously Mr.Z never succeeded in getting my mobile number. Nothings wrong with being friendly but something tells me that being to lenient wont be a very good idea. And so i decided to be on guard giving Mr. Z the impression that im not letting him to go overboard.
After the band practice iw ent home seeing both of them online on facebook Mr.Y is a good friend, very interested with art technicalities and stuff while on the other hand Mr. Z startled me by saying
"Hi cute!"
which isnt really a very good start for me. call me judge mental but as i continue chatting with Mr.Z at this very moment hes expressing his total admiration for me di say hes one typical guy. A typical would probably start with those fluttery words gives you the stare asks for your name and number then asks you out. oh yeah and thats what he was. But sorry dude im not a give away.
I tried to call him "dude" to give him the "pare" impression but it didnt work, I called him bro but he just threw it back to me by calling me sis (pilosopo) as we go on the conversation im slowly making him feel my complete disapproval to the sweetness he offers and by the way that tactic is just so "old school" weve been talking for almost an hour now and im like waiting for us to start talking about ideas, theories, a debate would probably be very interesting but then i cant force him though so i just go with the flow. He kept going on this sweety sweety stuff which actually seemed soggy to me i mean,its a bit annoying but then "kailangan makisama"
Then suddenly a big question popped out of my head
"Cant men get a girl fair and square nowadays?!!!!"
and when i comes to women "Anu ba, ilaban mo naman!" dont just give in, but instead try to scrutinize if the guy speaks with substance, not just aims to flatter you.
hyy i was just surprised about this incident, i was too engrossed with politics, school,music orgs and stuff i feel like its been so long since i last turned down a guy hahahah (evil laugh)
Friday, March 26, 2010
When theres actually no food on the table
I woke up late today, my body clock woke me up at 9am as i walk towards the kitchen, i saw a big pile of dishes waiting for me. And so after brushing my teeth in the morning thats the next thing i should do. WASH THE DISHES. I would love to eat first but theres actually no food on the table. Mom and Dad ate the left overs since the other day im sure, my sister will surely eat out. I dont have problems being stuck at home and being the only one who does the household chores, Im immune to that fact, and im tired of arguing about it, they've lost so many times to me. I wouldve been a world record if only it was a family debate show. But its not, and its not that frustrating as i expect it to be, probably my immunity just pushed my temper down. There really is nothing to much to cook. Ive got all i need for a pasta sauce either my creamy white sauce, or the chunky tomato sauce i used to make wouldve been possible but were out of pasta. Im sick of meat and canned goods. I usually laugh at these canned goods whenever i grocery with mom. When it comes to tuna i know which one tastes good and healthy, when it comes to corned beef i know which brand is salty, which one is chunky, which one tastes nasty, or even the one that doesnt seem to be a corned beef to me at all. I can even close my eyes and still know which to pick and not what to pick. The same goes ofr noodles, and other preserved foods. Oh and the famous pork and beans literally contains a piece of pork and a whole lot of beans (laughs)
Ima also sick of take outs in fact i know how many slices of Hotdog does jollibee and mcdonalds put on every serving of spaghetti, which part of the chicken should i order for chicken joy, which part of the chicken seems to be bigger at mcdonalds and waht hurts me is that all of these are not healthy for me.
As of now the best term i could think of is that were completely "bankrupt" we havent been to a grocery or almost two months, we dont cook except for the typical vigan longganisa, left over lechon which seemed to be a nihtmare to me every meal because ive been eating the same thing for almost a week. And after we finnifh that meal, guess what the next meal would be the famous tuna or sardines take your pick! This is probably why i hate summer, i odnt know why this always happensim even more worried about my summer classes which i should be paying on the 6th of april, and the worse thing is, i have to get back to school. Im already assuming the fact that my allowance would somewhat decrease by 50 percent due to the prevailing crisis at home. I can imagine our grocery budget being sent to the materials for our business which i should be working on too because in two years I'll be the one to run the it. i know how harsh business is seriously, money goes out totally and the pay isnt that much. My moms salary is les than 2k every week i guess due to our loans. Its funny, thinking how weve lasted a week, or a year perhaps, with only faith in our pockets and Christ in our hearts.
It also funny how people tease me wherever i go looking at me as if im some kind of a prima donna, perhaps because of how i carry my clothes. But the truth is I dont even buy clothes, most of it were just sent to me from abroad and when if ever id get to buy, i buy at divisoria. When it comes to shoes most of it are gifts, my favorite aerosoles and hush puppies were just gifts even my perfume was just a gift last year i was given a lancome perfume which actually costs 4k here in the Philippines. Those are just blessings i guess, but even without these things that make me glamorous, i wouldnt find it hard to live. And at home while everybody else thinks im a senorita, what they dont know is that im the one who cleans the bathroom,i scrub the walls, the sink the toilet. i know they cant imagine me doing these things. they probably think taht i have a higher status in life probably because im just refined. During our family reunions people notice evrything about me, the way i walk, carry my clothes, the way i eat, even what i eat, my gestures, all of it are noticed thats probably why i have to act refined to some degree which turned out helpful in a way. Especially now im the youngets girl among the grand children, and people are looking at me now.
They also have dreams for me, like after Fine Arts i have to take up Accountancy, pass the CPA and take up Law after and stand as the family's corporate lawyer.
"Fine Arts can always be a hobby." Thats what they always tell me but im really sorry, it cant be just a hobby, its a lifestyle to me, I vowed to myself promising Fine Arts the phrase "till death do us part" (laughs) call me obsessed but im just being real. People ask how many suitors do i have and cant believe that I've got no one. In fact there was one in the family who delivered a joke telling the whole family to have me date to this Belgian waffle I mean Belgian guy who happens to buy an island somewhere in Palawan, and i have to groom myself and date him so that the land properties would unite.
At that point, i just smiled and i knew they get what the smile was trying to say "Thanks, but no thanks"
At that point i was happy to hear their dreams for me, their strong determination to guide me (as they say) But im more thankful that I was quick on deciding on whats for me and whats not. Its fun to hear their preferences but unfortunately, tahts somewaht far from the path thats laid to me at this point, God's rabbit trails can possibly lead me to the dream they want me to talk, that wouldnt be a problem to me. Everyone can furnish plans for the future but hat doesnt mean that its a sure shot to the future, some dreams are only dreams, some ambitions are just illusions, but thats part of being human.
I think i typed too much already probably because im still tryongt o forget how hungry i am, and tired, im having chills, a slight fever maybe, i went out to paint something at church hours ago and jammed with the madrigal singers, I still sang with htem no matter how tired i am, my hands were even full of paint but im too crazy about music, im too crazy to miss it and now my body complains to me about it, im exhausted, but i htink im quite far from burn out. Besides, i love what i do, thats always an edge i believe, my passion always leads me to to work with more enthusiasm, even when theres no food on the table, i feel refreshed,recharged.
Ima also sick of take outs in fact i know how many slices of Hotdog does jollibee and mcdonalds put on every serving of spaghetti, which part of the chicken should i order for chicken joy, which part of the chicken seems to be bigger at mcdonalds and waht hurts me is that all of these are not healthy for me.
As of now the best term i could think of is that were completely "bankrupt" we havent been to a grocery or almost two months, we dont cook except for the typical vigan longganisa, left over lechon which seemed to be a nihtmare to me every meal because ive been eating the same thing for almost a week. And after we finnifh that meal, guess what the next meal would be the famous tuna or sardines take your pick! This is probably why i hate summer, i odnt know why this always happensim even more worried about my summer classes which i should be paying on the 6th of april, and the worse thing is, i have to get back to school. Im already assuming the fact that my allowance would somewhat decrease by 50 percent due to the prevailing crisis at home. I can imagine our grocery budget being sent to the materials for our business which i should be working on too because in two years I'll be the one to run the it. i know how harsh business is seriously, money goes out totally and the pay isnt that much. My moms salary is les than 2k every week i guess due to our loans. Its funny, thinking how weve lasted a week, or a year perhaps, with only faith in our pockets and Christ in our hearts.
It also funny how people tease me wherever i go looking at me as if im some kind of a prima donna, perhaps because of how i carry my clothes. But the truth is I dont even buy clothes, most of it were just sent to me from abroad and when if ever id get to buy, i buy at divisoria. When it comes to shoes most of it are gifts, my favorite aerosoles and hush puppies were just gifts even my perfume was just a gift last year i was given a lancome perfume which actually costs 4k here in the Philippines. Those are just blessings i guess, but even without these things that make me glamorous, i wouldnt find it hard to live. And at home while everybody else thinks im a senorita, what they dont know is that im the one who cleans the bathroom,i scrub the walls, the sink the toilet. i know they cant imagine me doing these things. they probably think taht i have a higher status in life probably because im just refined. During our family reunions people notice evrything about me, the way i walk, carry my clothes, the way i eat, even what i eat, my gestures, all of it are noticed thats probably why i have to act refined to some degree which turned out helpful in a way. Especially now im the youngets girl among the grand children, and people are looking at me now.
They also have dreams for me, like after Fine Arts i have to take up Accountancy, pass the CPA and take up Law after and stand as the family's corporate lawyer.
"Fine Arts can always be a hobby." Thats what they always tell me but im really sorry, it cant be just a hobby, its a lifestyle to me, I vowed to myself promising Fine Arts the phrase "till death do us part" (laughs) call me obsessed but im just being real. People ask how many suitors do i have and cant believe that I've got no one. In fact there was one in the family who delivered a joke telling the whole family to have me date to this Belgian waffle I mean Belgian guy who happens to buy an island somewhere in Palawan, and i have to groom myself and date him so that the land properties would unite.
At that point, i just smiled and i knew they get what the smile was trying to say "Thanks, but no thanks"
At that point i was happy to hear their dreams for me, their strong determination to guide me (as they say) But im more thankful that I was quick on deciding on whats for me and whats not. Its fun to hear their preferences but unfortunately, tahts somewaht far from the path thats laid to me at this point, God's rabbit trails can possibly lead me to the dream they want me to talk, that wouldnt be a problem to me. Everyone can furnish plans for the future but hat doesnt mean that its a sure shot to the future, some dreams are only dreams, some ambitions are just illusions, but thats part of being human.
I think i typed too much already probably because im still tryongt o forget how hungry i am, and tired, im having chills, a slight fever maybe, i went out to paint something at church hours ago and jammed with the madrigal singers, I still sang with htem no matter how tired i am, my hands were even full of paint but im too crazy about music, im too crazy to miss it and now my body complains to me about it, im exhausted, but i htink im quite far from burn out. Besides, i love what i do, thats always an edge i believe, my passion always leads me to to work with more enthusiasm, even when theres no food on the table, i feel refreshed,recharged.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Too Far Gone
I built these walls with blinders on my eyes
brick by brick and now I realize
that I'm shut out I'm shut in
and every time I try to reach out I reach in
I break my fingers on the bricks
why do I do this to myself
there is really no one else to blame
Chorus
so could you reach down and pull me out
or am I just too far gone to be saved?
or am I just too far gone to be saved?
I take my falls, hands pulled behind my back
you made the knot and didn't leave much slack
now I'm tied up I'm tied down
now every time I try to fly up I fly down
into the sea and hold my breath
I am a mirrored rumble fish
life is so clenching for the kill
Chorus
so could you reach down and break my will
or am I just too far gone to be saved?
or am I just too far gone to be saved?
[ Instrumental-Bridge ]
I'm shut out I'm shut in
and every time is try to reach out reach in
I break my fingers on the bricks
now every time I try to fly up I fly down
into the sea and hold my breath
I am a mirrored rumble fish
life is so clenching for the kill
Chorus
so could you reach out and pull me out
or am I just too far gone
you'll never be too far gone,
you'll never be too far gone to be saved
Too Far Gone - by Sixpence None The Richer
This is actually one of the songs i loved from sixpence none the richer, it has been my favorite since grade school, I used to sing this since i was a kid, This would seem very awkward but everytime i sing this, i sing this as a prayer. I only found this on myspace.com in one of the albums of sixpence none the richer available in the site. The song just crushed my core, it accuartely expressed my attitude towards myself, and towards the Rock Of Ages (God) This is probably why i love music, because music knows me more than the people in my circle, more then the books i read, more than myself. It transports me to my dreams, to the world i wanted to be in even for just a moment, i sleep comfortably in my imagination giving myself a rest from reality. Supplies me air so that the moment i wake up again, i would have enough air to breathe,and just inaces i feel like im running out air, i can always go back and embrace my own secret place where my supply is, and the good thing about it is, my supply never runs out. Hmmm suddenly this post just led me to another sixpence none the richer track entitled breathe im trying to play it with my violin at this very moment.
Breathe
Take my sorrow and my sin
I will run into Your arms again
Hold me Father
Once again my tears are dried
By Your perfect love that's river-wide
Over-flowing
As I stand on its bank
With my arms overhead
I am overcome
As I breathe
The air of Heaven
Drawing in Your fragrance
When I breathe
I feel your fullness come alive
Inside of me
You're the breath that I breathe
Covered by the evening sky
I turn my gaze to where Your kingdom lies
Deep inside me
A silent whisper in my mind
Sweet surrender to Your love divine
Peace enfolding
In the stillness I empty my soul
And Your healing presence flows
As I breathe
The air of heaven
Drawing in Your fragrance
When I breathe
I feel Your fullness come alive
Inside of me
You're the breath that I breathe
It's taking hold
It's second nature when I
Savour...
When I
Savour...
You
As I breathe...
brick by brick and now I realize
that I'm shut out I'm shut in
and every time I try to reach out I reach in
I break my fingers on the bricks
why do I do this to myself
there is really no one else to blame
Chorus
so could you reach down and pull me out
or am I just too far gone to be saved?
or am I just too far gone to be saved?
I take my falls, hands pulled behind my back
you made the knot and didn't leave much slack
now I'm tied up I'm tied down
now every time I try to fly up I fly down
into the sea and hold my breath
I am a mirrored rumble fish
life is so clenching for the kill
Chorus
so could you reach down and break my will
or am I just too far gone to be saved?
or am I just too far gone to be saved?
[ Instrumental-Bridge ]
I'm shut out I'm shut in
and every time is try to reach out reach in
I break my fingers on the bricks
now every time I try to fly up I fly down
into the sea and hold my breath
I am a mirrored rumble fish
life is so clenching for the kill
Chorus
so could you reach out and pull me out
or am I just too far gone
you'll never be too far gone,
you'll never be too far gone to be saved
Too Far Gone - by Sixpence None The Richer
This is actually one of the songs i loved from sixpence none the richer, it has been my favorite since grade school, I used to sing this since i was a kid, This would seem very awkward but everytime i sing this, i sing this as a prayer. I only found this on myspace.com in one of the albums of sixpence none the richer available in the site. The song just crushed my core, it accuartely expressed my attitude towards myself, and towards the Rock Of Ages (God) This is probably why i love music, because music knows me more than the people in my circle, more then the books i read, more than myself. It transports me to my dreams, to the world i wanted to be in even for just a moment, i sleep comfortably in my imagination giving myself a rest from reality. Supplies me air so that the moment i wake up again, i would have enough air to breathe,and just inaces i feel like im running out air, i can always go back and embrace my own secret place where my supply is, and the good thing about it is, my supply never runs out. Hmmm suddenly this post just led me to another sixpence none the richer track entitled breathe im trying to play it with my violin at this very moment.
Breathe
Take my sorrow and my sin
I will run into Your arms again
Hold me Father
Once again my tears are dried
By Your perfect love that's river-wide
Over-flowing
As I stand on its bank
With my arms overhead
I am overcome
As I breathe
The air of Heaven
Drawing in Your fragrance
When I breathe
I feel your fullness come alive
Inside of me
You're the breath that I breathe
Covered by the evening sky
I turn my gaze to where Your kingdom lies
Deep inside me
A silent whisper in my mind
Sweet surrender to Your love divine
Peace enfolding
In the stillness I empty my soul
And Your healing presence flows
As I breathe
The air of heaven
Drawing in Your fragrance
When I breathe
I feel Your fullness come alive
Inside of me
You're the breath that I breathe
It's taking hold
It's second nature when I
Savour...
When I
Savour...
You
As I breathe...
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