The Wrong Set

I arrived at my place this late from a very nice church activity. I enjoyed every Sunday and always loved staying at church the whole day. Not to mention that i still need to work on some papers, check out sites and yes wash my uniform as the main part of my short term goal before the sun rises.

Things are getting difficult as time passes by it even came to a point that I even told myself "Kailangan mas palaban pa ako" Im holding responsibilities and its something that i cant just neglect whenever i feel like it. Oh wait i realized ang nilabhan ko ay ang aking PE uniform but im supposed to wear my academic uniform the next day.. hyy im too tired to wash another set of uniform. I guess im gonna have to rest now im actually having problems with my hands and fingers most of the time it really aches so bad its not easy washing the plates, typing a paperwork at the same time drawing and then afterwards washing ur uniform and iron it as soon as it dries. Since i dont have the time to rest on weekends i wash my uniform sets every night and yes i also use the iron everyday. Hyy im not doing this because evry woman needs to know this before establishing thir own family someday or because women are bound to do the chores when they get married. NO its not that. I just thought that maybe i need to have my own fair share of exhausted hands through school and household chores. My mom usually does most of the stuff but i do take the initiative to do the rest for her especially when i get to have the time to do so.

At the same time i think this is training for me just in case ill be living in my own sweet after graduation. anyway i cant really furnish plans for the future although i have an ideal picture of how i want my future to be.

LAst sunday night i went to a open counseling session at a cafe which i mentioned in my previous post they mentioned something about a woman being an achiever, a career person and i guess im really getting to that point but i dont wanna be unreachable by people It might even cause me to be high and mighty everywhere i go which i think is not always a good idea. I just hope that I'd be a great person, but still approachable and not unreachable. I really wish i could say more but im really exhausted from this week's activities and when the clock strikes at twelve yup its a go signal for the next day to arrive.

ill be sleeping now.

Porcelaine

I was suppoed to reward myelf with at least 8 hours of sleep tonight. But instead Im weeping on this blog. Sad for my own reasons and at the same time amazed with the surprises of each day.

Im really happy i decided blogging, because this is where i can actually be myself, it never requires me to express anybody,my blog would still be a best friend no matter how deep or shallow i am. My most consistent listener to everything i want to speak sbout. It wont even tell me how ugly i am with the eye bags plus the weeping.

I used to think that im a demure pathetic little kid,a precious porcelaine that would break any moment, a molded clay with no definite shape, and fits no definite place. I can still clearly remember things which i didnt manage to burry a long time ago. And i feel like its like a twin attached to me. Its hard to really suppress things inside,its even harder to last a day that way. I stil pity myself for some reason although im very much aware that theres really no room for pity in me, im pretty sure if id still keep it all inside it would just function as another machinery for destraction.

I know im really far from getting where i should be but i hope that all these things that are happening to me with bear good fruit as i get older. Its getting really creepy in here so i guess i should start going to bed and enjoy a deep sleep

When Something Extraordinary HIts Me In My Most Haggard Look!

I woke up late this morning with my painting which seemed to really look very far from the others. Very far in a sense that my work didnt look as well as my classmate's paintings on was able to sell his painting on the spot and fixed a 700php as price for the painting. I didnt have the time to feel insecure I just thought that I need to practice more and that im too tired to feel bad about my work.

My class was supposed to begin by 7:30 but i went in at 9:00 i was carefully doing the tip-toe while entering the class unfortunately my Professor saw me (laughs)

"Mortega, idisplay na natin yung gawa mo dito."

"Sir teka lang po."

"Bilisan mo babatukan na kita eh." he jokingly said


And so i went to an empty desk and started retouching my work.

Of course my prof was inetersted to see it

"Hija anu bang nangyayari sayo?"


"Sir puyat na puyat po hahhahah" --i had the hahah entailed to it (para kunyare ok lang baka kasi pagalitan pa ako)

"Sir ayoko na po idisplay yung painting ko"

"Anu ka ba para kang bata ipasa mo na yan"


And i got an 89 for it. mababa yun para sa isang painting but i know i deserved it what im after is that im improving in every work.

I shouldnt be trying to be better than my classmates but I should be trying to be better than myself.

After a few hours one of my classmates called me (in a gay voice)

"Te, pumunta ka dito may naghahanap sayo."

"Sino?"

"Basta pumunta ka."

I went out and saw the Feucso P.R.O.

at that very moment i would like to ask her if i did something wrong because i absolutely have no idea why she would look for me . i even thought that its probably about my tuition fee which i havent paid up until now but im pretty sure that I will be paying soon through God's provision.

Then the feucso representative approached me and told me that theres nothing to be worried about and so that kinda gave me a relief. She said that i was recommended by a professor to be trained and hopefully run for a position. But if i wont get to run thats fine. They would still train me because they will be graduating soon but she assured me that she would take good care of me, my credentials etc.

She asked me to speak casually and then she kept on telling me that she likes me i mean not like like but like as in i can be an ideal person for the position.

And she kept thanking me for being a blessing (daw)


"Tamang tama yung age mo, maganda ka naman,(maganda cguro pag nagpa make over hahah), you can deliver yourself well" naku sibrang thank you hija"


and i just responded with a smile.(whihc i hope that didnt really appear awkward)

so i was asked to go to her office and talk about some stuff, my weak points etc.

i textd Hillcrest after the encounter. I was really shocked for I am being trained to be a member of the central organization of the school i was really overwhelmed by the fact that they are connected to a very wide circle of people. and yes they are achievers,very smart opinionated and funny. I think Id be absorbing alot from them.

Then i went back to the room and talked to my gay classmates i get their point hey are not discouraging me but i get the fact taht its really hard and would really make me more busy than ever.

"Haynako te, warla iyan mahihirapan ka te."

"Dapat kase aly may nagawa ka na sa school kumbaga naging member ka na ng student council. member ka nga ng circle pero hindi pa naman ganun ka established yun."

after hearing lines like these I know they are not really trying to offend me or even discourage me in fact i appreciate them telling me these things. I get their point.

I even talked to my speech professor from the masscom department and got 94 on my speech today woohoo! anyway i talked to her after class and she taught me about impression management she said she would help me

"Aba kaya mo yan but you have to be charismatic hija alam ko kaya mo. alam mo mag lipstick ka kaya you've got pouty lips uso yan ngayon ang tawag diyan impression management, try to fix yourself etc."

Then the conversation ended.


anyway i will be trained beginning this day, will be sent to forums, conferences etc. and will be introduced to a deeper world in college. My college days will no longer be coming in to school and leaving after class they are encouraging me to assert myself and be pro active.

I will be scheduled for a screening soon and im geting really nervous about it.

ok just to give you an overview. there are two parties in Feucso lets just name them Party A and party B.

I was invited by Party A a month ago and i turned it down, i wasnt even introduced and they didnt give me an idea what will i be doing why would i run etc. alright so i turned it down


and aftr a mnth Party B came in to me and asked me to join i was also asked to join a christian women's organization which is a plus plus.

I wonder what the Rock of Ages is doing to me (The Rock of ages=God) I ran for this kind of thing back then when i was in highschool and i failed of course i was traumatized when i saw the votes its like 13 votes against 450 so i hope you get the traumatic part

Im really ecstatic today but what if im bound to fail at this? exposing myself, run for a position be pro active and just lose everything in the end im so afraid that i wont be able to take it and would end up crying on my friend's shoulder hahah i would cry at their shoulders baka nag isa-isahin ko pa silang iyakan hahahah

im seeing the picture right at this moment the losing scenario.

I was honest enough to tell that ate PRO who called me that i dont have much friends i havent done anything for the school im not even active , i dont even know whats up and whats not. I really dont see why she was so interested in training me. i really dont know why.

I'll be 70 percent plus busy from this day on.

As of now im really confused with whats going on with me. hyyy.

Agatom in Person

The Life Band was invited to play at the Conspiracy Cafe and yes Im a proud member I must say (although Im not that good anyway I should introduce them before i go on with the next few lines of my blog post

We have:

Joash or should i say Pastor Joash with the guitar who will be graduating this March woohoo!

Mj i must say that shes a very nice and pretty lass we sing together and yeah shes got a breathtaking voice.

Kuya Avielh-He reminds me of mashimaro ---with headphones. Anyway he's really nice and im really amazed with his ear for music he handles the keyboard.

And of course me.


Anyway weve met other people at the cafe and yes they are completely extraordinary fun and talented one of the guests was Mr. Brenan Espartinez whom i only see on tv when i was young. I stopped my schooling when i was in the middle of my nursery year so im stuck at home waiting for sineskwela each morning just to see agatom in fact i watch sineskwela because i have a huge crush on him back then when i was a kid and probably because he is the only boy i see i dont even have playmates or friends of course im not allowed to go out I was born crazy, believe me (laughs)

anyway after sineskwela i saw him on tv again at HImig Handog Jam and won the song Tara Tena its a piece or should is ay a composition by Mr. Jonathan Manalo I remembered that day because that was the day before i the spelling quiz bee. I was chosen to represent my school and if im not mistaken that was the second time I joined. And after that day, I was diagnosed with dengue stage 2 Im pretty sure I was still in Grade four back then.

Gong back i didntt really react so much when i was told that Brenan would be one of the guests but when he was sitting inside the cafe i was like woah! Its agatom in person! hahaha OF course i remember he was my first crush (laughs)

And so the open counseling in the cafe went on and on until around eleven in the evening. The Life band was getting really tired and sleepy but we really have to stay because we are supposed to sing and close the program. and to my surprise one of the hosts and brenan sang "I could sing of your Love forever" with the band and i was sitting close to my favorite sineskwela character hahaha no matter how i admire his singing I still see him as the agatom i see on TV and yes I felt like a kid at the end of the program he shook hands with me and also with a church friend and said "til next time" hahaha pretty much i know i didnt do very well in the singing and was nervous the whole time but so mesmerized by their God-given talents at the same time.

It was a great night. And its not beacuse of Brenan although i jokingly told my church friends that i wont wash my hands because brenan shook hands with me i think im too old to act that way (laughs) In fact it was the counseling thing, hearing different point of views and at the same time filtering what im hearing choosing what to pick and not to keep.

Im inspired by the music their styles, the way they carry themselves and how open the discussion is in fact the good thing about is that its interactive. That particular activity created an atmosphere which is favorable and somehow gives everybody the freedom to talk, ask questions or even express their point of views.

what can i say? Its FANTASTIC!

The Pose

I had my Photography class hours ago and as expected we had a nude photo shoot. I remember that the model was the same model the school hired for Photography 1 classes and now Im taking up photography two.

And yes its a SHE. Shes nice enough to cooperate with how we want her to pose i explored the camera setting and im surprised with how my shots differ from the other and how easy the Digital SLR is compared to the manual camera although film is more refined on close up than the digital photos we use nowadays.

We covered her face with a large cardboard (large enough to cover her face) the first one is printed with an "X" on it. The second was printed with a question mark and the last one is with an exclamation point


were about to finish the whole session and we are only allowed to take a few shots for the last 5 minutes of the photo shoot. The professor asked what could be a good pose that would symbolize the large exclamation point on the cardboard which the model is wearing. I answered "By posing like the oblation sir."

the Professor agreed to my suggestion although a few more students proposed something else the moment they were asked.

After the session I got really confused whether i should feel bad about my suggestion or the whole nude session thing to some point i know what shes feeling at that moment because shes also a woman.

Well technically i just did my job no more no less.Although we always ask her if the pose is fine with her. We dont just decide although we know that shes being paid to be a material for our fine art madness.


I rememberd a book I've read from the library a year ago its about effective ads and one of the most effective elements are women. which gave me the impression that pretty women or women with outstanding body features are being used as materials for magazines, ads and the like.

It bothers me really for im a woman and i make ads to. and one way or the other I'll be given tasks which involves women in the line. I am responsible and will be responsible for maing these ads. This situation seemed to cut me into half i dont even want to consider the whole nude session thing immoral. were not talking about obscenity here its the natural art of the human figure.


oh well i dunno what t think about now. next week I will be anticipating a 2 nude sessions and this time well have a man as models. One for Photography and another one for Life drawing.

Eyebags Increasing While I Crave for FOOD!

I guess I overworked again i just finished my painting for Tuesday. But i still have one more to go. IM craving for a tuna sandwich with cream cheese and thin sliced apple in between(mom made it). But unfortunately we ran out of bread and tuna spread. Ive thought of frying hotdogs but we ran out of hotdogs too. I got too desperate for food i explored the freezer and voila! I found an ice cream container with ice cream in it.

I guess i got lucky today for finding this left over ice cream before anybody does (laughs)

Im really exhausted from my daily activities but im having fun of course I love what Im doing its better than not doing anything. Ive been getting not enough sleep so im getting a little worried. I've read an article which explains that lack of sleep can be a cause of anybody's death and one is more prone to it the younger he or she is. So i guess that makes me a candidate.

Attached to it there was a link to a test o see if you are getting enough sleep or if you have a good sleeping habbit. I took it and the result was

"You should consult a specialist right away."


Which explains that i must be in a critical situation.

oh well i opened my yahoo account to check for new emails surprisingly my aunt from Canada went online too and she buzzed me

"Poms alas tres na bakit gising ka pa"

(She gave me the nickname poms ecause my hair was like "pom-poms" back then when i was still enjoying my three years of existence in this world (laughs). And so thats why all the people on my mom's side call me by that name.)

Going back I replied to my aunt and told her that im still working on something. As usual its school work. I didnt get to play plants vs. zombies tonight darn. My mom and dad are the champions of the game here at home argh!hahaah yeah they are on their way to completing all the trophies in that game.

An hour passed it was four am my ant buzzed me again

"Poms 4am na bke gising ka pa"

i kept on saying the same thing school work po tita

since highschool it has been normal for me to study till death well of course not literally but i hope you get the point. I grew up stuck inside the house so I was like forced to believe that studying is fun. And as i grow old im figuring out that it really is it only depends on one's perspective or probably because im so into my course

MY tummy is grumbling i might cook breakfast after this post im sick of take outs and i miss cooking pasta my favorite pesto recipe my own style of spaghetti,pasta with "dulong" (its a fish or should i say small fishes preserved in a bottle with spices and oil"

Im sick of take outs i can imagine the oil and the cholesterol.

I always preferred my favorite Tinola,pinakbet and sinigang which my Lola (mom's mother) used to cook for me every after school that was like four years ago. I miss her badly hoping that she would spook me one time with her ghost but of course thats impossible and that would be creepy. And of course shes happier up there now i wanna see her but i dont wanna go up there as of now nyahahaa Ive got so much dreams for the Philippines I havent even created benchmarks for the country so hahaah I hope and pay that Id stay down here longer.

OOPs! i didnt notice tha t its already 5:30 am i ownder if my clock is late or advanced anyway i still have an hour to go to before school.

KLASE

Nagsimula ang klase sa pagbati ni Propesor Alarde sa klase na binubuo ng mga estudyante kumukuha ng kursong arkitektura at fine arts. Mabilis na pumasok sa klase ang propesor ipinamigay ang mga papel na tila nagsilbing aralin para sa araw na ito.
“Simulan mong basahin Bb. Mortega”
Agad akong tumayo at sinimulang basahin ang pamagat .
“Baliw.”
Isa itong maikling kuwento na ipinanalo ni Mayet Bayuga, isang Palanca Awardee at isa sa mga natatanging manunulat na aking hinangaan magmula nang nabasa ko ang kanyang mga gawa. Ang mga simbolismo, bawat salita sa bawat talata ay may mas malalim pa na kahulugan sa inaasahan. Ang kanyang pilosopiya ay kahanga-hanga. Ang istruktura ng kanyang panunulat at mensaheng ipinaabot sa mga kababaihan ay tunay na nakapagpapalakas ng loob ng kahit sinong babaeng makababasa ng kanyang gawa

Mga babaeng gaya na lamang ni Pia Pelaez na naging biktima ng sarili niyang asawa.

Karamihan sa mga isinulat ni Mayet Bayuga ay ukol sa Feminismo. Wika nga ng aming propesor dapat na katakutan ng isang lalaki ang isang babaeng mahilig magbasa ng mga gawa ni Mayet Bayuga.
Magkasundo ang paniniwala namig ng may akda. Pareho kaming naniniwala .

Pantay lamang ang dalawang kasarian. Hindi nakahihigit ang isa sa isa.
Pareho kaming gigil sa mga senaryo kung saan makikita mong nakakalong ang isang babae sa kanyang irog o kahit ang paglalaro o paghawak ng isang lalaki sa buhok ng isang babae (kahit isang hibla)



Mga babaeng binubugbog ng kanilang mga asawa. Mga kababaihang hindi makapanindigan sa kanilang mga sarili, o wala nang respeto sa kanilang katauhan, sa kanilang kasarian.

Nakalulungkot hindi ba? Kung paano ang pagtrato sa mga kababaihan noon. Dominante raw ang mga kalalakihan kaya naman hanggang sa gawaing bahay lamang ang mga kababaihan.

Mabuti na lamang at iba na ang kalakaran ngayon ngunit hindi pa rin maaalis na mayroon pa ring impresyon na ikalawa lamang o mas mahina ang mga kababihan kesa kalalkihan.

Gaya na lamang ng paliwanag ni Propesor Alarde, Sa kasalukuyan kung may isang babae na umibig na sa maraming lalaki maari siyang tignan o ituring na siya ay marumi sa kaso naman ng kalalakihan, mas macho ka kapag nakarami ka na ng kababaihan at lalu na pag ginamit daw ng mga kalalakihan ang kanilang natatanging sandata.

Hindi kaya ang sandatang ito at ang malumanay nitong paghimas ang dahilan kung bakit mas mahina ang maraming mga kababaihan sa aspekto ng hiwalayan? Isa lamang iyang “hypothesis” sa aming klase

At ang hindi pag laban ng isang babae kahit na siya ay pinagmamalupitan ng lalaki ay simbolo nga ba talaga ng kahinaan?

Hindi.
Simbolo ito ng kamangmangan at kawalan ng pagpapahalaga sa sarili. Isang malaking pagkakamali na ituring ng isang babae na mahina siya.

“Ang babait ng mga baliw noh, napakadali nilang pasunurin”

Isa itong linya mula sa maikling kuwento na isang kabaliwan ang sobrang pagsunod ng isang babae sa isang lalaki tila isinisigaw ni Mayet Bayuga na isa itong napakalaking kabaliwan.

Sa katapusan ng maikling kuwento oo mayroong baliw sa isa sa mga tauhan ng kuwento at tila may nagbabadya na may susunod pang mababaliw.

Dudungaw sa maalikabok na binata ng mental hospital hihiga sa tabla na tinakpan lamang ng mumurahing tela lalapit sa isang charity ward na kulay lila ang kutis at marahil, magpapakatiwakal.

Matapos kong basahin ang buong kuwento isa lamang ang tumatak sa aking isipan.”DANGAL’ isang bagay na hindi maaring mawala at dapat na dalhin ng bawat babae hanggang sa kanilang pagtanda.

Isang napakagandang balita sa bawat babae ang mga isinulat ni Mayet Bayuga.

Bilang paglilinaw, hindi naman masama ang intensyon ng lahat ng kalalakihan sa mga kababaihan. Marahil napansin na ni Mayet Bayuga na maraming mga kalalakihan ang hindi na marunong ng tamang paraan ng pagtrato sa mga babae. Patas na paraan sa panliligaw, tamang respeto. Marami nang nakalilimot ng mga bagay na ito sa ngayon.

Kaya siguro nagsisilbi pa ring paalala ang kanyang mga gawa para sa susunod pang henersayon ng mga kababihan.

Ilang sandali pa ay natapos na ang klase. Isang napakagandang aral na isinalin ni Ginoong Alarde sa asignaturang Filipino ang kuwentong “Baliw” ni Mayet Bayuga.