If youd ask me i just wanna rest

Its late i know
im so tired
i just wanna give myself a complete 8 hours rest
which seemed impossible as of now

Ive got so much work to do that i dont even have time for a new hairdo or make up anyway i dont really mind going out looking stressed as long as im getting a good grade its all im after anyway aside from the drawing skills whhich i keep earning through practice and through the challenging plates in class

this morning a gay friend gave me advice regarding my hair and fashion and all that even my male classmates are asking me to fix myself everyday they are even the ones who suggests when it comes to my hair style or haircut when to get and not to get a haircut. of course theyre real men. in fact i think its cool that they show interest not only in their own sexuality or should i just say gender

anyway i find it surprising hearing those fashion tips for them its not a gay side i guess theyre just being open minded.

oh well i guess il just go and take a nap i think il be throwing up again if i dont

An Imaginary Friend

still weeping after watching all twelve episodes of the big bang's second season. planning to run away but I have no idea where to go. Im still alone. At home.


suddenly i remembered my childhood days. I used to have two imaginary friends when i was three i named them cor and lepp. Where i got the name? i dunno I've been crazy since i was a baby. I never had much playmate. I walk around our small place and the people in the household kept hearing me calling Lepp and Cor to take good care of my doll named Emily as inspired by the old series entitled "Princess Sarah"

I play with Lepp and Cor with my doll Emily everyday. I play two roles in that game. Since Im alone i can pick whatever role i want. In reality theres the four of us Me, Cor, Lepp and Emily at the same time I feel like I am the doll being taken good care of by Me, Cor and Lepp

i grew up not having much friends, theyre more of acquaintances not friends not all but most of them and until now i know that imaginative 3 year old kid remains in me. the only difference is that i dont have imaginary friends anymore.

Anyway theyre always imaginary so i can imagine them anytime i want, I can imagine cor and lepp taller than me now. Im just 5 flat and i can hear them laughing at me because i used to be taller than them when we were kids. We even invented our own language and pretended that we understood each other. Of course were kids.

I realized Ive been creating my own world for myself. It serves as an escape to the pressures of reality. A world i provided myself since childhood even before Neil Gaiman's books reached me.

I miss being a kid, being taken good care of. i could be as angry as i can be even after the sun sets but it wouldnt change the fact that i live in a sick sad world.

Id be a wandering little girl forever.

Weeping over a plate of menudo

today was supossedly a nice and sunny Sunday i was supposed to go online during the midnight but i was too exhausted and too depressed to get up. I played the second season of the big bang theory in my cousins portable dvd player while i sleep. I was desperate to cheer up myself in my own little way.

and so today was was a sunday morning I was supposed to get up for church and lead the worship band im a singer there. i was all dolled up when a txt message came telling me "Alyssa tutugtog na tayo where are you na." and then afterwards another message came saying "start na" and im still at home waiting for my mom and dad to prep up since theyre riding a cab they didnt allow me to walk in my high heels and ride a trycicle so i waited. But then i extremely got pissed that Id be late for the singing and i got really irritated. while waiting i played plants versus zombies and then i told my mom na magstart na and that she has to hurry up and then she shouted "naglalaro ka tapos ako mamadamadaliin mo?" she even had the guts to play her fuckin farmville before she took a bath .


so i locked myself in my room and shouted "Im not going anymore"
mom knocked and dad knocked saying osige wag ka nang sumama pero hindi ka na papasok sa school you will serve the house as a maid para may katulong dito sa bahay


and i hated it everytime they threaten me of being stuck at home and will be treated as my dads maid parang naisip ko sana pinalo nalang ako ng sinturon just like how he pulls me back and forth their room and hits me with a very thick leather belt way back when i was a kid

Im so depressed and i cant even get to talk to anybody, im out of credits so i cant even use my celphone to txt or even call someone .

I dont know if id still be able to go to school tomorrow.

If they dont want me to study its fine ,my parents would be the main cause of my sabotajed future and their grand children would surely hear those exact words from me and how my dad violated me when i was young.

Im so angry Ive been so angry about alota things that i dont remember the exact reason why i feel this bad. When i was younger i asked my mom to put me to therapy since she had my sister checked and is diagnosed with borderline schizophrenia, when i asked my mom if i can come and have my own slot for therapy too she said "wag na kasi magastos" I even begged for a psychiatric test but she never listened.


and now i keep growing old not understanding myself not that understanding myself depends on psycho exams but its just that i dont get to talk to anybody.

I didnt go to church today It woould insult Christ to see me down here singing with a bitter tune. It might affect the congregation. I find it enough to ruin mom and dads day


I know youd figure out how bad this side of me is my parents never listened to me and now im not even comftable opening things to them

my chest ached so bad its probably the bone inflammation thing again.

and here i am now weeping over a plate of menudo--- i know that sounds kinda funny i wrote that line to make sure that im still intact with my senses that im really eating and weeping while eating menudo

If im to ask

I just dont wanna stay here anymore

im too dpressed with my course and now instead of the house being a place of comfort it turned out like its a railway to hell for me.

Hungry for the Fine Art Madness

It was supposedly a good day my good grades kept coming and coming hopefully its because I Ive exerted too much effort and has done so much hard work to gain it. I believe i did.

It was a good day, until took a moment at the 8th floor to see the exhibit of both fine arts and architecture students. Ive seen works of so many I was inspired at first but when i got to look at the names of the creators of such splendid works of art Ive seen some made by my former classmates way back when i was still in my first year in college and yes they were not that great before. After having a grasp of how mad my fellow artists were in expressing their refined talent, I started to feel where im at in the field of arts and advertising, i started to wonder if ever i would ever get a job.

I may be good but not good enough to beat their works im not even good enough to compete.

I felt heartbroken after that moment i was supposed to take a photo shoot in campus but i preferred to go home instead. I was really hungry that time and i feel like im getting crazy thinking whether Id shift courses or not. I know im always good in studying, books and all that. I shouldve pursued Psychology instead or even masscom in fact i was really aiming for corporate law or pulmonary medicine when i signed my form before the entrance exam took place.

All i know is that im in love with Arts and Advertising, I can always take other courses but the madness in Fine Arts is very much different from the other courses. This is my passion im sure of that its not even a hobby its a lifestyle infact for me.. its life

I took it even though i know that my skills are not sufficient to survive it in short "idinaan ko lamang ang lahat sa lakas ng loob"

And now i dont know if theres hope for me in it. well after college i can own our printing business but i dont want my life to start and end there, if possible i want to take two jobs. One, in an advertising company wherein i would be exposed and would be trained at the same time it would surely enrich my knowledge. Second the business my family built. I bet i can do both but my problem is "will i ever get to have my own space in the field of advertising?"

i feel so down

of course my friends would normally tel me to keep pursuing advertising and i would keep pushing myself too but it wont increase my skill

i dont know how to face things now

i absolutely have no idea how to increase my skill

or even to whom should I run whenevr im having problems with my works.

im sad

very

Of Arts and Advertising

Advertising Arts.

Yes i took it as a major probably because its the wide ranging field of advertising wherein you get to do anything and everything, You dont have much freedom though for you have to follow certain rules and structures and you work 24/7 (You bet!)

My professor told me that I only have a second to grab the attention of my target market so i really have to do it well. It is our goal to make the product look beautiful to our target audience and consumers, establish the company we are working for which sometimes sounded like we are putting our consumers into an illusion for a second making our tag lines, product and product names reverberate in their heads and afterwards they will purchase the product Or sometimes the image or advertisments we make are just too effective that it somehow hypnotizes a consumer to buy the product.

for instance,

we say Colgate instead of toothpaste

some say Milo instead of chocolate drink

its funny how you hear the people in supermarkets saying

"Bumili ka ng colgate, yung close up."

or lines like:

"Mag paburger ka naman."

"Love ko to"

Its really powerful imagine how it manipulated minds to make people use the word colgate as a common noun or should i say as a general term instead of saying toothpaste.

Or how we use tags, and proof of purchase such as the ones at Lrt the ones hangged on handle bars. It serves as a handle for passengers at the same time it shows a photo and information of a product or a phone to be in particular

The Lrt Train recently promoted the motion picture 2012, the whole train is covered with a very large sticker with 2012 photos on it

Amazing isnt it

Or sometimes we just sing the Jingle of the product.

Advertsing arts sounded lika an all around thing for me maybe thats why i took it and fell in love with it plus its really something im passionate about.

I hope and pray that Id be succesful in this line. The advertising industry is one tough world. They say If youre a backstabber, a smart ass, A smarty pants,skillful,green ,funny etc. you have a place in the office. All sorts of people are in your office and you have to work for and with them if poeple say that call center is one stressful job advertisng is twice as hard i guess but no matter how hard it would be i cant wait to get into that place. what can i say Im really ecstatic! i wanna get there as soon as i can!

Never Like A Dead Fish

Its a long day. I did a lot of stuff and ending the day without accomplishing any of my plates anyway its alright i still have a few days before the deadline. I remembered about my Still Life Painting class the other day and the professor was happy to inform me of my improvement. I know im improving but i also know that im not there yet. But someday i will and that day wouldnt be that far from now

Im a little upset right now tortured by my own flashbacks and memories that are supposed to be burried a long time ago.

The pressure kept on rising each day and it seemed like it will neevr end I've ot so many thoughts in my head i guess i am too hungry for a good conversation for Ive been acting so much like a workaholic this semester.

I ranked First in class in one of my subjects not because im smart but i guess its all because of all the hardwork i poured on it and my eye bags can justify that. I dont fix myself anymore and i guess my face is quite far now from the picture i have in my profile that picture was taken a summer before college and now my face shows all the stress im going through (laughs) But I odnt really mind. In fact i havent had a haircut and my press powder can no longer hide how exhausted i am but Im having fun at the same time.

I love what i do although being an artist is really full of obstacles, and it really takes time before one's skills can be honed Imnot as good as my classmates but i guess that shouldnt bring me down. Im never gonna be like a dead fish. I wont swim with the current sometimes swimming against it adds spice to life.

Swimming against the current in a positive way i mean.

Like being an artist probably its one of the best things i love about my life, aside from being a nn conformist following my own taste and style , i have control on colors and deisgn fashion, product design and the like.

I just hope that allthis hardwork would take me somewhere but even if it wont I wouldnt regret being optimictic about it.

breathing

1...2...3... i can hear it beating every split second.


a young lass believed to have grown in a wonderful family. She wanted to believe in it too although she felt like it was just something external. People wonder what kind of problem she might have not that her life seemed so perfect--it really isn't

four years ago she could hardly remember how she was tickled, touched and kissed by her own father. The tickles somehow covered the fact that she was being violated in a way but she never complained in a way in respect to her own father whom she kept hoping that would never dare to have such intentions.

She felt that her mom somehow knew something about it but sadly, she never tried to defend her.

Of course she kept growing, getting mature each day and still, wondered what it could be her privates were never touched but her legs and neck were kissed and the touches felt so different she can't forget how it felt. The tickles still tried to cover how horrifying it was for her to feel her father's skin against her's

And the worse thing is,

it kept going and going...

every night her father would jokingly tell her and sometimes force her to sleep with him. Her mom was there though
while shes sleeping in her room sometimes her dad would distract her sleep by kissing her sleep moving slowly upwards

after quite some time the trauma developed

she never wanted any part of her near her dad's. She never dared to confront her mother regarding the issue but most of the time she would just shout the word mama as loud as she could.

as loud as she could.

as loud as she could address that she is being violated by her own dad

but no one came.


she figured maybe she would have to go through it herself she started acting like shes growing up, gave away her kiddie clothes and switching to a brand new look, experimented on make up tried to live like a normal teen. But the feeling and the memory chased her like the devil her dad stoppped doing those things to her but it left a mark in her

shes hoping that she would still recover but will she ever get to recover? i cant let her carry it forever

and now i can hear her weeping

4...5...6... shes still breathing